IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some argue that governments should invest more in tourism. Others claim that the investment has a negative impact on local people and should be avoided where possible. Discuss both views while giving your opinion.

There is an ongoing debate regarding, a few individuals who believe that governments should invest more
money
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 in
tourism
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.
While
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,
Remove the comma
apply
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 some
people
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 say that the investment has a negative impact on the citizen and should be avoided where possible. In
this
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 essay, I will be discussing both views and giving my opinion in
further
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 paragraphs.
To begin
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 with,
tourism
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 is a sector where the government should invest and receive more tax and that
money
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 can help to develop the place more. To explicate , when
people
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 come to visit someplace they
also
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 pay an extra amount of
money
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 on top of the real price
as well as
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 a local and small businesses will earn more and get benefits from that.
For example
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, the survey of the 2024 Dubai Expo attracted tourists from all over the world and the government of Dubai invested $200 Billion Dollars.
Thus
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, it reflects a big boost in the economy of the country
as well as
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 provides more employment for the locals.
On the other hand
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, some masses argue that it has a negative effect on them
also
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, it leads to massive pollution.
Moreover
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,
people
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 coming from overseas will bring some infections with them.
For instance
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, a report by BBC
tells
Verb problem
says
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 that 35 per cent of new infections come from another country, and
this
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 comes in the form of pollution in the air or when
people
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 are more socialized.
Hence
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, they believe that to avoid
such
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 kind of situation is to stop
tourism
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.
To conclude
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,
although
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 it is true that,
people
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 do pollute nature.
However
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, investing in
tourism
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 helps locals
as well as
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 their government to earn
money
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.

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task achievement
Your introduction is informative, but it can be clearer by eliminating unnecessary commas. Try to provide a concise thesis statement that more clearly defines your stance on the issue.
coherence and cohesion
To strengthen coherence, use transitional phrases to guide the reader through your arguments. For example, instead of saying 'To begin with,' you could say 'Firstly' or 'On one hand.' This will help organize your ideas more logically.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure you connect your points in the body paragraphs more directly to the main argument. For instance, after discussing the economic benefits, explicitly tie this back to the main topic of government investment in tourism.
task achievement
Your examples provide some evidence, but consider using a wider range of specific examples to support your points more effectively. This will enhance the clarity and comprehensiveness of your argument.
task achievement
Your essay presents both sides of the argument, which is essential for discussing a topic like this. Providing examples from the Dubai Expo shows an effort to use relevant information, which adds credibility to your argument.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is structured with clear paragraphs, which makes it easy to follow. The use of an introduction and a conclusion helps frame your discussion well.
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