IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for government. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extend do the advantages of having en ageng population outweigh the disadvantages.

Over the years, the average age and quantity of older
people
Use synonyms
 has increased steadily. For some,
this
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 looks like an apple just waiting to fall,
while
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 for others
this
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 reaps benefits for the society. Personally, the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. An ageing
population
Use synonyms
 is a crisis that has been happening all over the world for the past several years. By having an increase in the old
people
Use synonyms
's
population
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, the income of that country is decreased.
For instance
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, the tax money is usually paid by the actively working
people
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, since the older generations are mostly retired, they do not contribute anything to the tax.
This
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 makes it difficult for the government to build infrastructure to support the community.
Hence
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, the aged care
population
Use synonyms
 is bad for the country.
On the other hand
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, the older generation seems to have benefits for the society. There is a saying that "
people
Use synonyms
 age like a fine wine" as they have plenty of experience and knowledge that can be shared with the younger generation.
For example
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, an experienced and retired badminton player, Bambang, has been training a new player for a national competition.
This
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 results in a faster learning process and better results for the younger generation.
Thus
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, old folk are still useful for society. In conclusion, the increasing number of older
population
Use synonyms
 can be seen as something negative or positive, depending on the situation. Personally, the disadvantages outweigh the advantages, as most of the old
people
Use synonyms
 are too fragile to be useful for their surroundings and
therefore
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 they could not contribute anything to the country's development. In the future, the ageing
population
Use synonyms
 needs more attention and they need to remain active to be useful to everyone.

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Task Achievement
While you presented a clear opinion, your arguments could be more developed with further explanation and examples. Each point made could benefit from more depth to enhance your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider improving the transitions between paragraphs to enhance the flow of your essay. This will help readers follow your argument more easily.
Task Achievement
The essay presents a clear opinion on the topic, which is a strong aspect.
Task Achievement
You provided an interesting example of a retired badminton player, which adds relevance to your argument about the value of experience from older generations.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • aging population
  • economic productivity
  • pension schemes
  • healthcare systems
  • consumer spending
  • medical care
  • healthcare costs
  • public healthcare
  • job creation
  • caregiving sector
  • mentorship
  • cultural traditions
  • family dynamics
  • emotional support
  • policy reforms
  • retirement age
  • pension plans
  • sustainable social systems
  • technology and innovation
  • quality of life
What to do next:
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