IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some believe that research on family hisotry is a useful thing to do, while others disagree. Discuss both sides and five your own opinion.

It is argued that studying one's family record is worthwhile
while
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 others say it is not.
While
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 it might seem to be useless to know about their ancestors'
history
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, I strongly believe that learning about their family background will make people’s lives healthier. On the one hand, nowadays, most societies do not think that knowing their ancestors is not necessary. Not only is searching for the right family
history
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 difficult
,
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 but
also
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 the information can be manipulated at some point.
Furthermore
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, even though they might get the right data, people do not have enough time to obtain information about their family
history
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.
For example
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, provided statistics by Yeonsei University show that people do not have enough time and technology to learn about their family
history
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,
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 because they are focused on their livelihoods.
On the other hand
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, genetics play a fundamental role in shaping human health.
Therefore
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, it is crucial to know their exact family
history
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. If humans are willing to learn about their family
history
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,
then
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 they can know more specifically about their bodies.
Moreover
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, people can live more healthier.
For instance
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,
according to
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 a study conducted by Seoul National University Hospital, 85% of diseases are from genetic factors.
This
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 means that if you are aware of your risk factors
then
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 you can prevent numerous diseases. In conclusion, though more and more public think that it is not important to research family
history
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, I think that having knowledge about their ancestors is key for descendants to lead a happier and healthier life.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure to clearly structure each paragraph with a clear main idea. Your supporting points need to be distinctly connected to your main argument.
task achievement
Ensure that all your examples directly support the main points you are trying to make for clarity.
task achievement
Consider adding more specific examples or real-life applications to strengthen your arguments. This could help in illustrating your points more effectively.
content
Your introduction clearly presents both sides of the argument, which is a good way to set up your essay.
content
You effectively highlight the importance of genetic factors related to health, which is a strong point in your argument.
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