IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no special knowledge of the following topic. Many childhood diseases can now be prevented through the use of vaccines. Should parents be made by law to immunise their children against common diseases or should individuals have the right to choose not to immunise their children? You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.

Before
this
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 breakthrough in technology and medical innovation, some
diseases
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are
Wrong verb form
were
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 very dangerous for
children
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 and could lead to death. So
that is
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 why, long ago
diseases
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 became one of the most worrying things because of the lack of information about It. But nowadays, there are vast childhood
diseases
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 that can be prevented by
vaccines
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 which have been discovered lately. Fortunately, these
vaccines
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 work very effectively in preventing
children
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 from suffering from some
diseases
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. It has saved plenty of
children
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's lives around the globe who could definitely died before
this
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 vaccine
were
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was
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 found.
Due to
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 the importance of these
vaccines
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 to
children
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,
parents
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 must immunise their
children
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.
However
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, we can not deny that there are a lot of
parents
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 out there who think that
vaccines
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 which will be given to their
children
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 contain a strange substance.
This
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 kind of thought
,
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apply
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 sometimes happens in a rural area with many uneducated
parents
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.
Although
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, the government has been demonstrating and giving them explanations about
this
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 still there is always scepticism spread around.
Moreover
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, some
diseases
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 often happen in rural areas because of unhealthy habits and dirty environments.
For example
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 in some places in Papua. The people there have no clue about
diseases
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 or something similar to that in the medical way. They just believed that if there is a child got sick, it was absolutely because of something unseen like a soul, ghost, or anything spiritual.
As a result
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,
this
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 kind of thought makes them not believe anything medical.
Whereas
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, they really need to understand the impact of
this
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 disease and the importance of
vaccines
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 for their
children
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. Based on that explanation,
vaccines
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 are really crucial for
children
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 nowadays. Especially, for those who live in rural areas, the
parents
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 must be aware of
this
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 and be rid of any scepticism anymore. Community’s feedback

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coherence and cohesion
The introduction could be clearer by stating the thesis directly. Make sure to present the main argument clearly at the beginning.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use more paragraphs to separate different ideas. This helps the reader follow your argument better.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to support your points. For example, mention specific diseases that vaccines prevent, such as measles or polio.
task achievement
Avoid vague phrases like 'some diseases' and be more specific. For example, 'serious diseases like measles can be prevented by vaccines.'
task achievement
You show a good understanding of the topic and the importance of vaccines in protecting children.
task achievement
The examples from rural areas provide insight into the challenges regarding vaccine acceptance.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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