IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Many people find it hard to balance their work with other parts of their lives. What problems does this cause? How can this problem be overcome?

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Work-life balance has been a common discussion among younger generations as they have more tendencies to care about their mental health compared to older generations. Alas, a vast majority of people find it hard to find a harmony between job performance and personal well-being.
This
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 particular issue may be caused by the intense working ambition which overshadows the need to fulfil other life aspects. In
this
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 essay, I will talk about the way to overcome
this
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 setback. Taking a closer look at the roots of the issue, society tends to seek a higher employment role, which can be obtained by reaching certain targets or requirements set by the company.
As a result
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, they may overwork themselves to the point where they are unable to maintain their social lives and physical well-being.
For instance
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, a marketing employee is aiming to get promoted by the end of the year, which urges him to work overtime for three months straight and sacrifice a significant amount of his leisure time to reach that goal.
Thus
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, if the work ambition outweighs the other needs, it will be hard to balance all life aspects and reach the so-called work-life balance.
Consequently
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, the public needs to be more aware of the danger of neglecting other parts of their lives for job matters as it can pile up and cause long-term physical and spiritual issues.
For example
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, the depression rates and suicidal tendencies of the working class in Japan's urban environment have reached an alarming number as the society embraces a hustle culture. Other than that, the imbalance of the work-life aspect is the culprit of the deteriorating health conditions of modern society because of the unhealthy lifestyle that usually follows.
Hence
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, enhancing the awareness of physical and social health can help the community to take care of the other parts of their lives rather than too much focus on the occupational aspect. To summarize, the ambitious trait related to work matters affects the poor fulfilment of personal well-being and has to be stopped by raising public awareness about the danger that follows.
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, a wise man once said, "Anything
that is
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 too much is not necessarily good".

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task achievement
Ensure all paragraphs present clear and distinct main ideas that relate directly to the question topics of the problems caused by poor work-life balance and methods for overcoming them. Use topic sentences to make these main ideas unmistakable to the reader.
task achievement
While the essay contains an introduction and conclusion, consider refining the thesis statement and final summarization for greater impact and clarity. A clearer thesis statement would explicitly address both aspects of the task (problems and solutions to work-life balance). The conclusion should succinctly reassert the main points, linking back to the question prompt.
task achievement
Be sure to discuss specific examples and evidence to support your points. This strengthens your argument and demonstrates a range of knowledge and personal engagement with the topic.
coherence cohesion
To improve logical structure, ensure each paragraph maintains a clear focus and logically progresses from one to the next. Employing a wider range of cohesive devices can help to better signal the relationship between ideas.
coherence cohesion
Enhance cohesion by using linking words and phrases to more explicitly connect ideas within and between paragraphs. This serves to guide the reader through your argument, creating a smoother and more coherent reading experience.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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