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The charts below give information on the location and types of dance classes young people in a town in Australia are currently attending.

The charts below give information on the location and types of dance classes young people in a town in Australia are currently attending.
Two charts illustrate the information of dance classes attended currently by young people in 1
Australia's
Change noun form
Australia
show examples
 town. The pie
chart
Use synonyms
 presents the location, contemporary the bar
chart
Use synonyms
 shows the types by age group.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can clearly be seen that the proportion most participants chose was Private studios,
the
Correct word choice
and the
show examples
 students under 11 years old had the highest interest in Ballet.
To begin
Linking Words
 with the pie
chart
Use synonyms
, the lowest proportion
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 choices is College-based studios
by
Change preposition
at
show examples
 10%. Continually, Community halls and other
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
18%
participants
Change preposition
of participants
show examples
,
then
Linking Words
 24%
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
School halls(after-school).
Lastly
Linking Words
, the highest percentages are 48% in Private studios, half in popularity compared with 3 places. Regarding the bar
chart
Use synonyms
, the number of students who took part in 3 types of dance classes fluctuated which are Ballet, Tap, and Modern.
Firstly
Linking Words
, Ballet has
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 number of members who are under 11 double the time
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
rather than people in
range
Correct article usage
the range
show examples
 11-16.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the amount in Morden was approximately 500 in
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
 11-16,
while
Linking Words
under
Correct article usage
the under
show examples
 11 group was 300.
Lastly
Linking Words
, Tap remained around 400 people in both age groups.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "lastly".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 71%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words chart with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • distribution
  • attendance
  • community centers
  • dance schools
  • private studios
  • ballet
  • hip-hop
  • contemporary
  • ballroom
  • analysis
  • popularity
  • accessibility
  • cost
  • cultural trends
  • media influences
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