IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. Is it a positive or negative development?

Nowadays, the topic of
Add an article
the aging
an aging
show examples
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
population
Use synonyms
 has gained immense popularity.
This
Linking Words
 essay believes that
this
Linking Words
 trend is a positive development since the elder
population
Use synonyms
 can serve in not only leadership in
workplace
Add an article
the workplace
show examples
 but
also
Linking Words
 kid's development in
family
Add an article
the family
show examples
 despite some claims of financial burden. It must be acknowledged that the older generations can provide many advantages in
workplace
Add an article
the workplace
show examples
 because of their trait of leadership. To be more specific,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
employers who are in old age have a wealth of knowledge, meaning that they can share experience and advice with younger employees. By being exposed to valuable lessons, the younger workforce will be motivated, contributing to greater productivity. Another point
worths
Replace the adjective
worth
show examples
 considering is how the elderly can help the parents in raising the
grandchilds
Correct your spelling
grandchildren
show examples
. To clarify, grandparents can provide
supports
Fix the agreement mistake
support
show examples
 through childcare and because they are patient and more likely to enjoy time with
grandchilds
Correct your spelling
grandchildren
show examples
, they can help offer a nurturing environment for kids to develop mentally.
For example
Linking Words
, by spending time talking and sharing with kids, the elderly can build connections with their
grandchilds
Correct your spelling
grandchildren
show examples
, providing them
a
Add the preposition
with a
show examples
fulfilling childhood.
Thus
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 helps children create memorable moments.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, many individuals believe that
Correct article usage
the aging
show examples
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
population
Use synonyms
 can pose a burden on the government budget.
That is
Linking Words
 because
this
Linking Words
 trend is believed to contribute to
shortage
Add an article
a shortage
the shortage
show examples
 in
Correct article usage
the labourforce
show examples
labourforce
Correct your spelling
labour force
 and put a strain on
Correct article usage
the healthcarae
show examples
healthcarae
Correct your spelling
healthcare
 system since
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
older citizens are more likely to suffer
diseases
Change preposition
from diseases
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, increasing life expectancy means the
overall
Linking Words
 well-being of residents in countries is improved, enabling
to
Correct pronoun usage
them to
show examples
 contribute to the national economy through
doing
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
volunteering jobs. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 there are concerns about
financial
Correct article usage
the financial
show examples
 burden when it comes to
Add an article
an aging
the aging
show examples
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
population
Use synonyms
, the writer of
this
Linking Words
 essay still believes that
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon is positive because of the assistance of the elderly in
workplace
Correct article usage
the workplace
show examples
 and family.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
Make sure to organize your ideas clearly. Each paragraph should focus on a single main point.
coherence and cohesion
Use more linking words or phrases to connect your ideas smoothly.
task achievement
Provide more detailed data or statistics to support your points.
task achievement
You presented a clear opinion that aging population is a positive development.
task achievement
Your examples about elderly's role in the workplace and family were relevant and added to your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: