IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

10. The governments should spend money in promoting sport and art in school, rather than sponsoring professional sports and art events in communities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Many people suppose the national budget should be used to encourage students to engage in art and sports
activities
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instead
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 of supporting community
activities
Use synonyms
 for experts. From my perspective, I am totally convinced by
this
Linking Words
 statement for some reasons mentioned in the essay. On the one hand, investing in educational programs focusing on these fields may create various positive effects on young generations. First of all, as a majority of schools nowadays often consider these as secondary subjects in the curriculum, students being interested or gifted in arts and athletics do not have many opportunities to develop their abilities. More than that, even with children who only enjoy being creative or participating in sports games as their hobbies, these
activities
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 still play a vital role in helping them to maintain a healthy mental and physical state. The fact is that teenagers who engage in regular physical
activities
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 are less likely to experience common psychological issues
such
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 as stress, depression or anxiety.
Moreover
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, the public budget is the key financial sponsor for schemes and
extra-curriculum
Correct your spelling
extracurricular
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 programs in these areas. As professional tournaments or exhibitions can bring various benefits in establishing communities for skilled individuals, these events normally attract the attention of a wide range of audiences.
Consequently
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, many organizations and businesses are willing to provide support for
such
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 events as a method to promote their reputation.
In contrast
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, not many corporations invest in
such
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 events in the academic environment, especially in the long run.
In addition
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, since children attending school can not be financially independence, it is challenging for them to attend or hold artistic and athletic
activities
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 by themselves.
To sum up
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, I hold a firm belief that allocating state spending to learning environments is essential. Despite the fact that both professional and educational programs offer multiple advantages, the government fund
takes
Verb problem
plays
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the
Correct article usage
a
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 more crucial role in sustaining these areas for children and schools.

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task achievement
Strengthen your arguments with specific examples related to art and sports in schools. For example, mention a specific program or study that shows benefits for students.
coherence and cohesion
Try to connect your ideas more smoothly with linking words such as 'firstly', 'moreover', and 'for example'.
task achievement
Ensure your introduction clearly states your opinion on the topic for better clarity.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with separate paragraphs for separate ideas.
task achievement
You present a strong opinion in your introduction that is easy to identify.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Cognitive development
  • Well-rounded education
  • Problem-solving abilities
  • Cognitive skills
  • Healthy habits
  • Obesity prevention
  • Greater inclusivity
  • Communal setting
  • Teamwork
  • Cooperation
  • Shared values
  • Sustainable careers
  • Cost efficiency
  • Societal benefits
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