IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
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Nowadays, there is a wide array of sugary
food
 and drink
products
 in the market that bring about
health
 problems. It is suggested that increasing the price of
such
products
 leads to a decrease in their consumption. In my opinion,
this
 notion would be a step in the right direction. It is my view that there are a number of diseases
such
 as diabetes, cardiovascular diseases and obesity which are associated with indulging in the consumption of high-sugar
food
 and drink
products
 on a regular basis. Since most
people
 are oblivious to the consequences of excessive consumption of sugar in their diets, raising the cost of
such
products
 may contribute to better
health
 conditions in societies.
Furthermore
, in some countries, the price of poor nutritional value
food
 is considerably low.
For instance
, in Iran,
people
 have access to fizzy beverages at lower prices as compared to dairy
products
 (
such
 as yoghurt, milk and cheese).
Therefore
, individuals are more likely to purchase junk
food
.
In contrast
, some
people
 claim that governments are able to tackle
this
 issue in many other ways. They firmly insist that
health
 authorities can raise public awareness about the adverse effects of eating too much sugar.
However
, I do not find
this
 argument convincing as various
health
-related programs which are being produced to encourage
people
 to follow a sensible eating plan, encounter failure.
People
 do not care about
such
 advice any more, in that, they are increasingly drawn to the eye-catching advertisements of sugar-based
food
 and drink
products
. In conclusion, I completely agree with offering high-sugar
products
 at higher prices because it may prevent
health
 problems and
people
 find it hard to buy them.
Submitted by maryam.nutrition1988 on

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Task Achievement
Ensure that your argument is balanced by considering the counter-argument more thoroughly and providing more than just a dismissal of the opposing view.
Task Achievement
Include a wider range of examples and evidence to support your arguments, which can help in making your essay more convincing.
Coherence and Cohesion
Maintain the logical flow between paragraphs for better readability. This can be enhanced by using a wider variety of linking words and phrases.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to diversify sentence structures to add complexity and depth to your writing, which can improve coherence and cohesion.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly stated and relevant to the topic.
Task Achievement
You have effectively supported your main points with relevant examples, though more specificity could enrich your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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