IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The continued rise in the world's population is the greatest threat faced by humanity at the present time. Do you agree or disagree?

Increasing
Correct article usage
The increasing
show examples
population
Use synonyms
 poses large risks to our world presently.
This
Linking Words
 essay agrees with
this
Linking Words
 view because
rapid
Correct article usage
the rapid
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population
Use synonyms
 growth rate causes
depletion
Correct article usage
the depletion
show examples
 of
resources
Use synonyms
 and pollution.
Firstly
Linking Words
, it is important to note that many natural
resources
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as water, energy, food, fuel, and wood
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 soon become obsolete as the
population
Use synonyms
 of a country rises over time.
This
Linking Words
 is because the
number
Use synonyms
 of citizens in that country
outnumber
Change the verb form
outnumbers
show examples
 the amount of natural
resources
Use synonyms
 available.
As a result
Linking Words
 of
this
Linking Words
, the government of
such
Linking Words
country
Correct article usage
a country
show examples
 would not be able to cater to all the needs of its citizens.
Furthermore
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, many
people
Use synonyms
 could die
due to
Linking Words
 the fact that their needs are not met adequately.
For example
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, the healthcare system in Nigeria is facing so many challenges
such
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 as financial strain because of the rapid growth rate of the
population
Use synonyms
 compared to the minimal
number
Use synonyms
 of healthcare services.
Secondly
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, overpopulation causes a lot of damage to the environment, especially in cities, because of many industries and factories. A lot of factories and industries emit toxic fumes from their chimneys
such
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 as carbon dioxide into the atmosphere which is harmful to
people
Use synonyms
's health.
In addition
Linking Words
, noise coming from
such
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 big companies
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 detrimental to the well-being of the populace because
they
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 can lead to headaches and migraines.
For instance
Linking Words
, a
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 in Ghana, have developed respiratory diseases
due to
Linking Words
 the increasing
number
Use synonyms
 of toxic fumes emitted into the environment. In conclusion,
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
population
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 in a society leads to
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
inadequacy of
resources
Use synonyms
 from nature and pollution problems which are harmful to the
pyhsical
Correct your spelling
physical
 and mental well-being of society.

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task achievement
Make sure to present your ideas more clearly and support them with better examples.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer connections between your paragraphs and ideas to help the reader follow your points better.
task achievement
You clearly state your opinion at the beginning of the essay, which is good.
task achievement
You provide reasons for your points, showing your understanding of the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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