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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Nowadays children are experiencing increased educational, social, and commercial pressure. What are the reasons for this? What is a solution to reduce the pressure?

A new trend has been observed where young
children
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 are struggling with
stress
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 because of
peer
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pressure
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, excessive usage of social
media
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 apps, and their need to win approval.
This
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 essay will discuss the reasons and provide solutions through suitable explanations and examples.
Firstly
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,
children
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 nowadays are using social
media
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 apps
such
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 as Instagram excessively, which
results
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 in social and commercial
pressure
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.
For instance
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,
children
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 from
an
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apply
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affluent
background
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backgrounds
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 often post about vacationing in exotic locations or buying luxurious clothes, shoes, and many more on their social
media
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 accounts.
Consequently
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,
children
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 observing these posts often start comparing themselves to their rich
peers
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. Their inability to have these types of luxuries could result in an inferiority complex, as they are unable to post about
such
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 luxurious items or vacations.
This
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 constant need to post on social
media
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 about expensive items or exotic locations to look appealing to their
peers
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 often
results
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 in
peer
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pressure
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.
Therefore
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, the social and commercial aspects are the root cause of
stress
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 among
children
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.
Secondly
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, kids who are excelling in their academic careers are often appreciated than those who are not.
As a result
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, the
children
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 feel neglected and undervalued. Research suggests that
children
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 who are compared to their intelligent
peers
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 often experience academic
pressure
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 to win the approval of their teachers,
parents
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, and
peers
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.
Thus
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, the need to excel in their studies just to win approval
also
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results
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 in
stress
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. To remedy
this
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 problem, the best approach is to build a strong parent-child bond. It is advised that
parents
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 proactively participate in their
children
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's lives to understand their feelings and negative emotions,
such
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 as an inferiority complex,
peer
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pressure
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, and the need to win approval. By understanding and fostering effective communication,
parents
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 are able to solve these problems and
instill
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instil
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 personal values by providing emotional
support
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. Research suggests,
when
Correct word choice
that when
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children
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 are provided emotional
support
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, they feel valued, which could lower their
stress
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level
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levels
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 by decreasing the stimulation of cortisol. In conclusion, young
children
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 are struggling with
stress
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 because of
peer
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pressure
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 and excessive usage of social
media
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 apps, which
results
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 in educational, social, and commercial
pressure
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. To remedy
this
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 situation, a strong parent-child bond is essential to foster effective communication, which could provide emotional
support
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 to their
children
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. by providing emotional
support
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, the stimulation of the cortisol hormone is decreased, which
further
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 lowers
stress
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 levels.
Therefore
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,
active
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the active
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 involvement of
parents
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 is essential to decrease educational, social, and commercial
pressure
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.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure each point in your essay is clearly linked to the main topic.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to support your points.
task achievement
Ensure your introduction clearly outlines the main points you will discuss.
task achievement
The essay clearly identifies the reasons for stress in children.
coherence and cohesion
Good structure with clear introduction and conclusion.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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