IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

TOPIC:Many of the medical problems that people are experiencing in today's world are due to the fact that we have a very sedentary lifestyle. To what extent do you agree?

Nowadays many
people
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 argue that most
issues
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 related to medicine that individuals face today occur since they lead an immobile
lifestyle
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. I partially agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement as many medical
diseases
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 can occur because of other
issues
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. On the one hand, no one can deny that because of
advancement
Fix the agreement mistake
advancements
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 in technology many
people
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, especially youngsters, have a sedentary
lifestyle
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. It is widely believed that many individuals spend most of their time on social media, watching different videos, scrolling through feeds and chatting with their friends. These actions can lead to addiction, which in turn would affect
people
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’s health in general. What is more, addiction to social media, online games, and the internet in general is the primary reason why
people
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 spend excessive time on their devices. Because of
this
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, they lead an immobile
lifestyle
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.
Moreover
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, it is essential for modern society to do some sport every day since many
issues
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 related to medicine can happen because of
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of
sport
Change the noun form
sports
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 activity and regular
exercises
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exercise
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.
However
Linking Words
, as many
people
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 spend most of their time indoors, watching TV and phones, they lack physical activities.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, many medical
issues
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,
such
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 as certain types of cancer,
diabetic
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diabetes
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 and heart
diseases
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, can occur because of genetics and heredity. Take
for example
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families
Change noun form
families'
family's
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 diabetic
issues
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.Their illness can be passed down through their genes,
while
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 they do a lot of sport, exercise
everyday
Replace the word
every day
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 and have a healthy
lifestyle
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.
Furthermore
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, poor dietary habits are the main source of serious
diseases
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such
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 as obesity, cardiovascular
diseases
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 and diabetes. Even
people
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 who lead an active life, but consume unhealthy diets can experience health problems. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 some believe that
people
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 who are sedentary can experience medical problems more, there are many other factors,
such
Linking Words
 as genetics, heredity and poor diet, that can have an impact on the development of a certain disease.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure to connect your ideas more clearly. Use linking words between sentences and paragraphs to improve flow.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points, which will strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Try to include a stronger introduction and conclusion that summarise your main points clearly.
task achievement
You presented both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced view.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is generally well-structured with clear paragraphs.
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