IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many of the medical problems that people are experiencing in today’s world are due to the fact that we have a very sedentary lifestyle. To what extent do you agree?

In
the
Correct article usage
apply
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modern
society
Add a comma
society,
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 the number of
people
Use synonyms
 who suffer from illnesses
such
Linking Words
 as obesity diabetes or heart
troubles
Fix the agreement mistake
trouble
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 grows
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
 an increasing speed. Some
people
Use synonyms
 think that
this
Linking Words
 is the cause of
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 sedentary
lifestyle
Use synonyms
 that individuals lead today. I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 opinion,
due to
Linking Words
 the fact that physical
activities
Use synonyms
 are the major factor of
strong
Add an article
a strong
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 and healthy
body
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
sedentary
Add an article
a sedentary
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lifestyle
Use synonyms
 can lead to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
obesity.
People
Use synonyms
 spend time sitting without any movements
while
Linking Words
 working or relaxing which
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of physical
activities
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it is a popular practice to take a meal
while
Linking Words
 working, or doing some sedentary
activities
Use synonyms
. Consuming snacks can lead to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
obesity, especially in the cases when individuals spend plenty of time doing something long-lasting without taking any breaks for
trainings
Change the wording
training
pieces of training
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.
This
Linking Words
 inactive
lifestyle
Use synonyms
, combined with unhealthy eating habits
cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
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 detrimental consequences on the
persons
Change to a genitive case
person's
persons'
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 fat rate in the organism
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 because all fats that are consumed by
person
Add an article
the person
a person
show examples
 have to be spent on
activities
Use synonyms
, in other cases, it is stocked in the
body
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
sedentary
Add an article
a sedentary
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lifestyle
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 influences the efficiency of blood circulation in the
body
Use synonyms
 . The speed of blood circulation in the
body
Use synonyms
 varies with the number of
activities
Use synonyms
 a person completes in a day. If a person completes no
activities
Use synonyms
 for a long time, the work of
heart
Correct article usage
the heart
show examples
 becomes slower than it should be.
This
Linking Words
 can lead to the development of different diseases in the bodies of individuals,
such
Linking Words
 as diabetes or cardiovascular illness. Regular
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
 can enhance the situation and reduce the risks of becoming ill. It can be exemplified by the recommendations that almost all doctors provide to their patients, especially highlighting yoga and pilates. Those
activities
Use synonyms
 are popular
due to
Linking Words
 the fact that they include deep stretching, which provokes
widening
Correct article usage
the widening
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 of vessels. In conclusion,
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
show examples
lifestyle
Use synonyms
 mostly
effects
Replace the word
affects
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 the
heath
Correct your spelling
health
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 state of every individual, provoking heart diseases and weight problems. From
me
Correct pronoun usage
my
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 point of view, including more physical
activities
Use synonyms
 in
lives
Fix the agreement mistake
life
show examples
 can lead to
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 decrease in
Correct article usage
the numbers
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numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
 who suffer from illnesses.

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task achievement
Make sure your introduction clearly states your position on the topic and outlines the main points you will discuss. Instead of just stating a fact, make it more specific to your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Try to connect your ideas more smoothly with linking words, so your essay flows better from one point to the next. For example, use 'First of all,' and 'On the other hand,' to guide the reader.
task achievement
Expand on your points with more details or examples. For instance, you could explain how specific activities like walking or cycling can help reduce obesity, rather than just mentioning 'regular exercises.'
task achievement
You clearly identified the problem of a sedentary lifestyle and its impact on health, which shows a good understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs are organized and focused on specific ideas, making it easier for the reader to follow your arguments.
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