IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2

Some children spend hours every dayon their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

The problem of spending too much
time
Use synonyms
 on
smartphone
Add an article
a smartphone
show examples
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
really can count as a problem. It surely has a negative influence, like
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 obvious one is
Change the article
a harm
show examples
harm
Replace the word
harmful
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
eyes
Correct article usage
the eyes
show examples
, but I will explain my opinion and check
vise-versa
Change the spelling
vice-versa
show examples
 opinion. Too much
time
Use synonyms
spending
Replace the word
spent
show examples
 on
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
 is a harmful activity in both ways, physical and psychological. Physical harm is sitting,
lying
Correct word choice
and lying
show examples
 for several hours surely can affect
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
your organism and consequences can appear in
hemorrhoid
Fix the agreement mistake
hemorrhoids
show examples
. Psychological harm is
harmful
Correct quantifier usage
more harmful
show examples
nonetheless
Linking Words
 than physical. It's enough one only thought to provide
existential
Correct article usage
an existential
show examples
 crisis for
mind
Correct article usage
the mind
show examples
 when thinking about wastes
time
Use synonyms
. Doom-scrolling
Linking Words
also
Add a missing verb
is also
show examples
symptom
Add an article
a symptom
show examples
 of that problem,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 causes
anxious
Replace the word
anxiety
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
large
Correct article usage
a large
show examples
 scale.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, that development is not always a bad thing. Nowadays phones have much more
various
Replace the word
varied
show examples
 tools than 2000’s. Teenagers truly can spend a lot of
time
Use synonyms
 but they can read books or just
doing
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 their job.
Modern
Add an article
The modern
show examples
 world sometimes just
require
Correct subject-verb agreement
requires
show examples
 it, so that's the cause, more hours on
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
. In conclusion, I think
modern
Add an article
the modern
show examples
 world

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Make sure to stay on topic and clearly state your opinion in the introduction and conclusion. Your conclusion seems to be incomplete.
task achievement
Try to use clear examples to support your points. This will help to explain your ideas better.
coherence cohesion
Organize your ideas into clear paragraphs. Each paragraph should have one main idea, and sentences should connect logically.
coherence cohesion
Use linking words to connect your ideas better, such as 'firstly', 'secondly', and 'in conclusion'.
task achievement
You have addressed both sides of the argument, which is important for a balanced essay.
task achievement
Your understanding of the negative impact of smartphones is clear and relevant.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: