IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

An increasing number of children are overweight which could result in many problems when they grow older both in terms of their health and healthcare costs. Why do you think so many children are overweight? What could be done to solve this problem?

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Overweight has become a major global public
health
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 concern, particularly among
children
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. The associated
problems
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, including long-term
health
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 risks and increased
healthcare
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costs
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, make
this
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 issue critical to
address
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.
This
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 essay will discuss the causes of
children
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 being overweight and
address
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 potential solutions. First of all, healthy
foods
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, including plant-based food and salad, are often more expensive than unhealthy options
such
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 as junk
foods
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. Many families cannot afford the higher
costs
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 of nutritious
foods
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, leading them to choose cheaper, less healthy alternatives.
In addition
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,
children
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 may not fully understand the long-term consequences of poor food choices. Unlike adults, they are less likely to prioritize their
health
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 or consider the future financial burdens related to
healthcare
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costs
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. Since
children
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 are not yet responsible for managing
healthcare
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 expenses or insurance, they may overlook the potential impact of their current eating habits on their future well-being.
Therefore
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, the government can
address
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 these
problems
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 by imposing taxes on junk
foods
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. By making unhealthy options more expensive,
children
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's preferences might shift towards healthier alternatives.
Furthermore
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, schools can play a crucial role in promoting a healthy lifestyle by emphasizing
health
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 education, which can help
children
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 make more careful decisions about their consumption. Schools can
also
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 encourage physical activities by providing sports facilities and supporting various sports programs,
such
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 as basketball and swimming, for students. In conclusion, several factors contribute to overweighting in
children
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, including the high cost of healthy
foods
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, a lack of awareness about the consequences of unhealthy eating, and the disregard for future
healthcare
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costs
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.
However
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, the government can
address
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 these
problems
Use synonyms
 by imposing a tax on unhealthy
foods
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 schools can contribute by prioritizing
health
Use synonyms
 education and promoting physical activity. An increasing number of
children
Use synonyms
 are overweight which could result in many
problems
Use synonyms
 when they grow older both in terms of their
health
Use synonyms
 and
healthcare
Use synonyms
costs
Use synonyms
. Why do you think so many
children
Use synonyms
 are overweight? What could be done to solve
this
Linking Words
 problem?

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task achievement
To further enrich your essay, consider including more specific data or references to studies that highlight the growing problem of childhood obesity and its health impacts.
task achievement
You may want to elaborate more on the role of parents in influencing children's eating habits and activities. This added dimension would make your argument even more comprehensive.
task achievement
Try diversifying the solutions by including other societal measures such as community programs, nutrition workshops for families, and partnerships with food retailers to lower the cost of healthy options.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-structured, with a clear introduction and conclusion that logically flow from the main body.
coherence cohesion
The main points are well-supported by explanations and examples, making your argument compelling.
task achievement
You have addressed both parts of the task effectively by discussing the causes and solutions for childhood overweight issues.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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