IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In modern world, it is no longer necessary to use animals for food or use animal products, for instance, clothing and medicines. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is sometimes argued that in the modern world, using animals for food and other
products
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 like clothing or medicine is no longer necessary.
However
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, I completely disagree with
this
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 opinion, as I believe that banning all animal
products
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 would decrease
production
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efficiency
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 and could even be harmful to the environment. I will explain my reasons in
this
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 essay.
Firstly
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, one of the main reasons I disagree with
this
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 view is that it would significantly reduce the
efficiency
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 of
production
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 in many industries.
For instance
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, if animals could no longer be used in the creation of medical
products
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, humans would have to rely solely on synthetic or chemical
materials
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 as replacements. Because industries would need to add extra steps to create these substitutes,
this
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 would greatly increase
production
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 time and costs. If we continue to properly
use
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 animal-derived
materials
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 where necessary, we do not need to add
this
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 extra, resource-intensive step.
Therefore
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, abandoning them completely would lead to a decline in
overall
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production
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efficiency
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.
Secondly
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, completely forbidding the
use
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 of animal
products
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 could paradoxically be detrimental to the environment. If we do not
use
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 natural
materials
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 from animals,
such
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 as leather or wool, we must turn to artificial alternatives. When a product is made from synthetic
materials
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, its manufacturing process often requires a large amount of energy, which contributes to higher fossil fuel emissions. These emissions pollute our atmosphere and worsen environmental problems. In
this
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 sense, the responsible
use
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 of renewable animal
products
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 can sometimes be a more environmentally friendly choice than mass-producing their chemical-based replacements. In conclusion, entirely forbidding the
use
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 of animal
products
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 for food and other goods would not only cause environmental problems but
also
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 lower
production
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efficiency
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. I believe humans need to balance the
use
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 of animal
products
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 with developing alternatives, rather than imposing an outright ban.

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coherence and cohesion
Consider improving the connection between some ideas. Use clear linking words to guide the reader smoothly.
task achievement
Make sure each paragraph clearly supports your main argument by directly linking back to your main point about the necessity of animal products.
structure
Your introduction clearly states your position, and the conclusion summarizes your main points well.
support
You provide logical examples that relate well to your argument about production efficiency and environmental impact.
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