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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

The promoters of social media claim that they are connecting people and enabling people to share like never before. While critics claim that social media site often impinge upon one’s privacy. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#promoters #media #people #critics #site #one’s #privacy
I am JOSUÉ BALMES AGUDELO PATIÑO, identified officially with a citizenship card from Ibagué,
Colombia
 No. 14.230.923. The aim of
this
 statement is to openly express my desire to sponsor my daughter, who is called MARIA LUCIA AGUDELO MOTTA, identified with a Colombian citizenship card 1.000.713.456 and passport No. AS407908. I will explain the personal and professional reasons to support my daughter
to carry
Change preposition
in carrying
show examples
 out her studies. She has decided to study the “GRADUATE DIPLOMA IN PUBLIC HEALTH” at TORRENS UNIVERSITY because of the high-level program which is offered by
this
 University. The main target is to dive deeper into new knowledge about the health public field to apply
this
Correct determiner usage
these
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 cutting-edge and
based-evidence
Correct word choice
evidence-based
show examples
 tools in
Colombia
.
Additionally
, her medium-term aim is to apply for a postgraduate degree in
Colombia
 related to Internal Medicine, and
this
 ‘Graduate Diploma’ is a crucial part of her preparation not only to improve but
also
build
Fix the infinitive
to build
show examples
 a high-competitive Curriculum Vitae. The subjects and units offered by
this
 program are not available in our native country and the current courses in
Colombia
 related to
this
 field have no proper educational quality. The aforementioned is explained because
this
 program has a perfect balance between
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 core and elective units. First of all, the core subjects link training about social, cultural and
behavioral
Change the spelling
behavioural
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 factors, with environmental issues and economic management in healthcare.
Besides
, they have
specialties
Change the spelling
specialities
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 focused on ‘Digital Health and Informatics’
as well as
 ‘Health Policy and Advocacy’, which are directly linked to her clinical and research skills.
Then
, it is
well-known
Correct your spelling
well known
show examples
 that
Colombia
 lacks digital and health informatics programs,
nevertheless
Add a comma
nevertheless,
show examples
 they are required to be learned and implemented.
As a consequence
 of
this
, she wants to apply the knowledge she will acquire in her mother country.
Submitted by luciaagudelomotta on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the introduction clearly states the main argument and briefly previews the points you will discuss.
coherence cohesion
Use clearer transitional phrases to guide the reader through your points. This will enhance the logical flow of ideas.
task achievement
While you have supported your statements with specific examples, consider further elaborating on these examples to strengthen your argument.
task achievement
The essay addresses both views of the topic and provides a balanced discussion.
task achievement
The main points are generally clear and relevant to the topic.
coherence cohesion
There is a logical structure present, with distinct paragraphs addressing different aspects of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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