IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Subjects like arts, music and drama are more important than other subjects and therefore should be given more time in the calendar. Do you agree or disagree?

Undeniably,
arts
Use synonyms
, music and drama play a pivotal role in any community,
therefore
Linking Words
, some people think that more time should be devoted towards their teaching
instead
Linking Words
 of other
subjects
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as economics, science, mathematics etcetera.
However
Linking Words
, I opine that for the
overall
Linking Words
 development of a
country
Use synonyms
, equal weightage should be given to all
subjects
Use synonyms
, thereby, I will explain the importance of different
subjects
Use synonyms
 in the upcoming paragraphs.
Firstly
Linking Words
, I will explain the significance of education programs namely,
arts
Use synonyms
, music and drama in our communities. Knowledge of these fields assists youth to know about its culture, traditions, rituals and many more. They know about their historical heroes and feel proud of their rich heritage. In
this
Linking Words
 way, they will stay connected to their roots and their culture can be alive through the ages.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, music lyrics, theatre plays and various forms of
arts
Use synonyms
,
for instance
Linking Words
, painting, poetry and so on, have the power to create social awareness among people. There are
numerus
Correct your spelling
numerous
 social evils in the communities
such
Linking Words
 as female foeticides, the dowry system, discrimination based on caste, colour, race etcetera, but an artist with his powerful words, acts and drawings can awaken the individuals and bring revolution in the societies.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are a lot of social and economic problems in nations,
for example
Linking Words
, poverty, unemployment, and rich and poor differences,
hence
Linking Words
, there is a need to assign more time to teaching curriculums
such
Linking Words
 as economics science, and mathematics to students, so that they can bring social and economic prosperity in a
country
Use synonyms
. Thereby, if more time is scheduled to cultural promotion
subjects
Use synonyms
, the
country
Use synonyms
 would left behind than the other countries in the world.
Additionally
Linking Words
, everyone has their own interests.
For instance
Linking Words
, if a person wants to learn about maths
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and statistics; and if priority is given to
arts
Use synonyms
, he may lack his interest in studies. In conclusion, I would wrap up my essay by saying that though cultural and social awareness is required for social well-being, still a
country
Use synonyms
's economic progress cannot be ignored,
that is
Linking Words
 why, balanced importance should be given to all studies for the comprehensive progress of a nation.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task response
Make sure to clearly state your opinion in the introduction and support it throughout the essay. This will help the reader understand your position better.
Coherence and cohesion
Try to link your ideas more clearly. Use linking words like 'however', 'moreover', and 'for example' to connect your thoughts.
Task achievement
Your discussion about the importance of arts and its role in preserving culture is strong and valid.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Stimulate creativity
  • Critical thinking
  • Problem-solving skills
  • Emotional and social benefits
  • Self-expression
  • Cultural appreciation
  • Global citizenship
  • Balanced education
  • Diverse career paths
  • Stress reduction
  • Mental well-being
  • Talent nurturing
  • Substantial career opportunities
  • Arts-based subjects
  • Confidence building
What to do next:
Look at other essays: