IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that the best way to improve public health is to increase the number of sports facilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some believe that increasing the variety of
sports
Use synonyms
facilities
Use synonyms
 is the best solution in order to improve public
health
Use synonyms
. I completely disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because people are exhausted after a tiring day and still would not engage in these
facilities
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 it is more important to
focus
Use synonyms
 on changing their dietary preferences than encouraging them to be involved in
sports
Use synonyms
 activities.
Firstly
Linking Words
, even though a range of
sports
Use synonyms
facilities
Use synonyms
 would be provided, I believe, most people would still prefer staying indoors after a long tiring day because of exhaustion.
This
Linking Words
 is because , in recent years, the majority of individuals are working longer hours, which drains them completely by the end of the day.
Due to
Linking Words
 these reasons, they prefer taking rest in their houses, over
exercising
Replace the word
exercise
show examples
 even if they have
variety
Add an article
a variety
show examples
 of
sports
Use synonyms
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 near their accommodation.
For example
Linking Words
, many companies in Poland offer
sports
Use synonyms
 cards, which typically grant their workers free access to various activities
such
Linking Words
 as swimming and badminton clubs.
However
Linking Words
, only a small percentage of employees actively utilize
this
Linking Words
 facility.
Therefore
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, only increasing the number of
sports
Use synonyms
facilities
Use synonyms
 will have no impact on improving public
health
Use synonyms
Moreover
Linking Words
, in order to improve public
health
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, an individual should first
focus
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 on changing their dietary preferences. Without
this
Linking Words
, there is no point in exercising.
This
Linking Words
 can be best illustrated with the physiological principles, which state that the
overall
Linking Words
health
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 of a person predominantly relies on food , which is almost 80%,
whereas
Linking Words
 working out is just 20%.
Therefore
Linking Words
, to enhance the quality of a person's
health
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, it is important that they
focus
Use synonyms
 more on eating healthy.
Hence
Linking Words
, if we want a healthier community, it is important to teach them to make healthy eating choices rather than developing more
sports
Use synonyms
facilities
Use synonyms
. In conclusion , I firmly believe that only increasing a wide range of
sports
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 options is not a viable solution to improve public
health
Use synonyms
 . As individuals are exhausted and ,
therefore
Linking Words
, choose to stay indoors over activities.
Also
Linking Words
, I believe that encouraging individuals to
focus
Use synonyms
 on their diet would be more beneficial to forming a healthier community.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main point and use linking words to connect your ideas better.
task achievement
Include more specific examples or data to support your points. This can strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Try to include a more balanced view by acknowledging some advantages of more sports facilities before stating your disagreement.
task achievement
You have clearly stated your viewpoint in the introduction and conclusion, which is positive.
task achievement
The essay includes relevant reasons to support your argument, which shows your understanding of the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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