IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Some argue that
music
Use synonyms
 plays a significant role in connecting nations and generations. I entirely agree with the view and I believe that melody makes a unique network communication which allows individuals to share their customs and emotions, despite differences in
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
. Supporters of the proposal cite that song as a universal language
contributes
Correct pronoun usage
that contributes
show examples
 to transferring
feels
Replace the word
feelings
show examples
 and views. Some song has political concepts leading to enhancing the knowledge of
community
Correct article usage
the community
show examples
 about where they live. To put it clearly, they attract
attention
Correct article usage
the attention
show examples
 of society
about
Change preposition
to
show examples
 something
that is
Linking Words
 wrong. "Baraye",
for instance
Linking Words
, sung by Shervin Hajipour during the Mahsa Revolution
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 led to all people in the world to be aware of
reason
Correct article usage
the reason
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the protest and attained global support.
Thus
Linking Words
,
music
Use synonyms
act
Correct subject-verb agreement
acts
show examples
 as a visual bridge that exchanges various matters
such
Linking Words
 as
individual's
Correct article usage
an individual's
show examples
 background and political issues.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, gathering people in the same place,
concert
Correct article usage
a concert
show examples
 is responsible for an emotional communication among
audience
Correct article usage
the audience
show examples
 regardless of age classification
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 leads to connecting hearts.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
national
Correct article usage
the national
show examples
 anthem fosters a sense of patriotism
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 makes a strong bond within the country. As an example, Shadmehr Aghili,
renowned
Correct article usage
a renowned
show examples
 musician in Iran, has performed "Ey Iran" with violin in his concerts
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 has led to
stimulating
Correct article usage
a stimulating
show examples
 sense of nationality among
bodies
Check wording
the audience
show examples
. In
this
Linking Words
 way,
music
Use synonyms
 festivals
by allowing
Wrong verb form
allow
show examples
audience
Correct article usage
the audience
show examples
 to sing, dance, and enjoy performances together,
music
Use synonyms
transcend
Correct subject-verb agreement
transcends
show examples
 boundaries and creates a sense of belonging.
To sum up
Linking Words
, I believe that
music
Use synonyms
 presents as a historical symbol that not only
transmitting
Wrong verb form
transmits
show examples
 social matters but
also
Linking Words
 promotes
unite
Replace the word
unity
show examples
 within the community.
Hence
Linking Words
, it spreads
intmacy
Correct your spelling
intimacy
.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that it is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use more linking words to connect ideas between sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
Ensure that your introduction clearly states your opinion and outlines the key points you will discuss.
task achievement
Provide more detailed examples to support your main points, so your ideas are clearer and stronger.
task achievement
You have a good introduction and clear opinion stated.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples to support your points, showing how music impacts culture.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
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