IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Today many children suffer from obesity and poor health. This is a direct result of today's lifestyle. Give reasons to explain why children are overweight and also offer some solutions to address this issue

One of the biggest problems that we currently have with our lifestyle is obesity. The percentage of obese children nowadays is rising heavily every year and I think that we as a community are not doing enough to address it and try to fix it. First of all,
while
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 obesity existed at the start of time, it did not become a real issue that millions of people suffer from until the 20th century when people started to build unhealthy habits about food,
for example
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, the youth get persuaded easily, when they see something that looks good like a candy bar or a chocolate they immediately crave it without thinking about whether it's healthy or no,
in addition
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, children of
this
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 generation lack attention span which would result in them not having the ability to watch a video or a movie without a snack and what usually end up happening is that they eat
way
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 too much
while
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 focused on whatever they are watching and what makes it even worse is that parents are not educating them enough on
this
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 matter because a lot of them are obese themselves, which is why
this
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 problem revolves around our lifestyle and the fact that we are not even trying to find a solution for it.
On the other hand
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,
while
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 obesity is still one of the biggest issues of our generation, we still have to find a
way
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 to fix it and in my opinion, the best
way
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 is to start from the beginning,
we
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
as grown-ups should start teaching the younger generation that eating healthy is not a
way
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 to live and you can choose whether you want to do it not
,
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apply
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 because it is not a choice it's a necessity, we cannot say yes every time a
kid
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 wants to eat a burger from Burger King, we need to start telling them no and explain to them why we are refusing because if you don't, they are going to think that you said no becuse you are a bad parent when in fact, you are doing the right thing,
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, some parents try to use
this
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 matter to become the "good parent" which could result in a situation that a
kid
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 asks his mom for a candy bar and when he refuses, he goes to ask the dad and the father says yes in order to earn the
kid
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's love and build the idea that he is the good parent and the mother is the bad one.
To conclude
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,
while
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this
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 issue is hard because it's deep in our ecosystem, we still have to try and fix it by building healthy habits ourselves so we can pass it on to our children, you can't convince the
kid
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 that eating an ice cream every day is bad from him if you are doing exactly that.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure to have a clear main argument in each paragraph. Connect your ideas logically.
task achievement
Use specific examples and details to support your points more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Enhance the introduction and conclusion to better frame your essay's main ideas.
task achievement
You identified the problem of obesity and discussed its causes and solutions, which is key to the task.
task achievement
Your ideas are relevant, and you clearly show concern about children's health.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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