IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

Recent years have witnessed the
phenomenon
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 that some
children
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 spend
hours
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 every
day
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 on their
smartphones
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.In my opinion,the
science
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scientific
show examples
development
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 and the charm of the internet trigger
this
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phenomenon
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.I think it is a negative
development
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. The first reason for
this
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phenomenon
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 is the rapid
development
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 of science,which means
children
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 have more chances to touch electronic products,especially
smartphones
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.To be specific,it is common for people to use
smartphones
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 in daily life which attracts
children
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 to use
smartphones
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 every
day
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 for many
hours
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 like their parents.Another cause is that there are a variety of things including games,snack advertisements,cartoon series play and so on on
smartphones
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,which means once
children
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 watch them one time,they are willing to scan them Infinitely. So they spend
hours
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 every
day
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 on their
smartphones
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It is clear that
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 it is negative to
children
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 if they spend
hours
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 every
day
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 on their
smartphones
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,on the one hand,
hours
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 of viewing screens can weaken their eyesight，the radiation from the electronic screen can hurt their immature eyes
while
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 the harm of their eyesight can effect their
health
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 in life-long time.
On the other hand
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, unhealthy content can affect their mental
health
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 which means if they scan the violence ,fear and so on , it may lead to them generating bad emotions even violent behaviour.So,
children
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 spend
hours
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 every
day
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 on their
smartphones
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 which not only affects their physical
health
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 but
also
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 has a bad influence on their mental.
Overall
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，the scientific
development
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 and the charm of the internet trigger
this
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phenomenon
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 which may affect the
children
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’s physical
health
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 but
also
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 their mental
health
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,I strongly believe that it is a negative
development
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.

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task achievement
Your introduction is clear, but try to be more specific about the negative effects you will discuss in the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences to guide the reader through your paragraphs, and ensure each paragraph flows logically to the next.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples or research to support your claims about negative effects, such as statistics on screen time or health studies.
task achievement
You clearly express your opinion that this trend is negative, which is important for the task.
task achievement
Your essay presents relevant points about physical and mental health, which are good areas to discuss.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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