IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that the media, such as newspapers, should be allowed to publish information about people’s private lives. Others, however, think that there should be controls to stop this media from providing this kind of information. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In the prevailing era, newspapers are crucial to
spread
Wrong verb form
spreading
show examples
 awareness among
people
Use synonyms
 around the world. It is an argued issue whether
media
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 channels ought to cover the personal
lives
Use synonyms
 of individuals or not.
This
Linking Words
 essay will not only discuss both viewpoints but my opinion is
also
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 highlighted. Commencing with the most salient reason why the personal
lives
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 of
people
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 should be printed by the newspapers is that the majority of famous
people
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such
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 as
model
Fix the agreement mistake
models
show examples
, actors, and many more are role
model
Fix the agreement mistake
models
show examples
 of tremendous common
people
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. They usually imitate their habits. If the
media
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 shows their daily activities,
such
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 as doing exercise, avoiding junk food, and many more, they are more likely to adopt their lifestyles.
As a result
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, they would
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
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live
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
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 lifestyle.
For example
Linking Words
, Nora Fathei is a famous dancer in the Bollywood industry and she is famous for her figure.
Paparazi
Correct your spelling
Paparazzi
uses
Wrong verb form
used
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 to publish her daily routine on its channels.
This
Linking Words
information
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leads to encourage
Verb problem
encourages
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 several women in India to follow
her
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 daily
routine
Fix the agreement mistake
routines
show examples
. So, the
media
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 should print news about about personal
lives
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 of
people
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. On the other side, I believe that the
media
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 should be prohibited to provide personal
information
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 about
people
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beacuse
Correct your spelling
because
 many criminal
people
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 get to know about their personal
information
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specially
Replace the word
especially
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 about their income. They often demand money from
people
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, promising to protect them from violence and other threats, even though they may be the
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
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 causing the threats. If innocent
people
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deny
Correct pronoun usage
deny it
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, they shot them.
For instance
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, Sidhu Moosewala
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
was
Correct article usage
a punjabi
show examples
punjabi
Change the capitalization
Punjabi
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 singer in India. Gangsters took his life
before
Change preposition
apply
show examples
3 years after
knowning
Correct your spelling
knowing
 about his personal life through
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media
Correct article usage
the media
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.
To conclude
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,
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although
Correct word choice
apply
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the
media
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 does
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
brillient
Correct your spelling
brilliant
 work
to highlight
Change preposition
of highlighting
show examples
 the personal
lives
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 of
people
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 because
people
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 get to know
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their role models in a close way. I contemplate that it should be banned on
Linking Words
this kinds
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
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 of
information
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 since It harms the life of
people
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
Your introduction is clear, but it can be more engaging. Try using a hook or a question to draw in the reader.
task achievement
Your conclusion summarizes your points, but it can be stronger. Restate your opinion more clearly and leave a lasting impression.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure your paragraphs clearly support one main idea each. This will help your essay flow better.
coherence and cohesion
Watch out for spelling mistakes and grammar errors. For example, 'beacuse' should be 'because' and 'brillient' should be 'brilliant'.
coherence and cohesion
Use connecting words better between your ideas. For example, use words like 'however' or 'on the other hand' to link your ideas smoothly.
task achievement
You clearly present both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced view.
task achievement
You give a personal opinion at the end, which is important in this type of essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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