IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people argue that government should spend their money on elderly people's care. However, other people say that government should focus more on education for young people. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There is a widely accepted belief that governments should concentrate on seniors’ well-being
while
Linking Words
 the counterargument for it is that juniors’ future needs to be prioritised. Personally, I firmly believe both generations should be equally treated
due to
Linking Words
 their importance and significance. On the one hand, taking care of aged citizens is crucial when it comes to the expression of gratitude. In fact, the dedication and contribution
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the elderly to the country in their early ages are irrefutable, especially in wartimes since it is synonymous with the sacrifices, losses and ordeals that may physically and mentally haunt the
then
Linking Words
-fighters for the rest of their lives.
Therefore
Linking Words
, looking after aged individuals is the most effective and visible way to show homage
as well as
Linking Words
 pay tribute to their past endeavours. An example of
this
Linking Words
 justification is Vietnam, where there is a wide range of welfare and medical care policies aiming at ensuring health for veterans who fought in bygone conflicts.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, investing in the young generation means the future growth of a state is seriously considered. Apparently, children will one day become the new constructors who would offer great contributions to the advancement of a country’s economy, resulting in the improvement in the living standards of the populace.
Hence
Linking Words
, instructing young residents on how to become valuable citizens is crucial for a nation to become increasingly strong and thriving.
For instance
Linking Words
, the Finnish have the best educational system in the world thanks to their acknowledgement of the potential benefits brought by the youth in terms of national development. In conclusion, there are sound reasons to defend the two mentioned viewpoints. In my opinion, simultaneously caring for both previous and current generations should be made mandatory and under no circumstances should a government give either side greater benefits than the other.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion which helps in making a logical structure. There is room for improvement in the way ideas are connected and transitions could be smoother between sentences and paragraphs for better flow.
task achievement
You have responded to the task substantially, providing clear and relevant ideas for both sides of the argument and your own opinion. However, to enhance the task achievement score, ensure that specific examples are more varied and detailed to strongly support each point.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: