IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In many contries, people have health problems because they choose to live in unhealthy ways. What do you think the reasons for this? How can it be solved?

In several countries,
people
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 have
health
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 problems because they have an unhealthy lifestyle. In
this
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 short essay, I will explain the reasons why
this
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problem
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 exists and
then
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 a solution that could help combat the issue. In the modern world, many countries have faced the
problem
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 of unhealthy lifestyles among their citizens.
This
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problem
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 is present across the board, in both developed and underdeveloped countries.
While
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 some claim that governments have the responsibility to invest in
health
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 plans and good habits, others think the
problem
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 is more of a sociological issue. Personally, I believe that the lack of awareness regarding how we live is
due to
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 a pace of life that often forces us to adopt unhealthy lifestyles. A Stanford University study interviewed subjects of various ages, asking them why they smoked, ate junk food, or didn't exercise. 80% responded that it was
due to
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 the stress their routines caused in today's world. There's clearly a correlation between mental factors and leading an unhealthy lifestyle. Conditions like stress and anxiety, often cause us to unwittingly fall into bad habits and become unhealthy individuals. Since it's more of a
problem
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 of collective consciousness, there's no solution that completely eliminates it, but it can be controlled and combated. Information through all possible media outlets, warnings on food packaging, and government campaigns are some concrete examples of measures to combat
this
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problem
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.
Additionally
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, allowing free access to mental
health
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 professionals is a good way to improve
people
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's
overall
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health
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, which is evidently reflected in their lifestyles. In conclusion, living in an unhealthy way is a global
problem
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, and it is a sociological
problem
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 that begins with mental pathologies, caused mostly by problems with work, family, etc. As its origin lies in the mind, solutions should aim to improve
people
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's mental
health
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, and
also
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informing
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inform
show examples
 through the media that
people
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 see daily.

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coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, but it could be stronger in linking thoughts. Try using more transition words to connect your ideas better.
task achievement
Make sure to expand on some points a little more to fully explain your ideas. Adding more details can strengthen your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use simpler sentences to express your ideas. This can help make your writing clearer and more effective.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly outlines the purpose of your essay, and the examples you provided were relevant and helpful.
task achievement
You highlighted the connection between mental health and unhealthy lifestyles, which is an important point.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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