IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

It is more important to spend public money promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment of people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree of disagree?

Many
people
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 think the
government
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 should spend
money
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 to help
people
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 live healthy lives and avoid getting sick,
while
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 others believe it is better to use
money
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 to treat
people
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 who are already ill. I think it is more useful to spend
money
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 on preventing illness.
First,
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spending
money
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 on prevention is that it can reduce the number of
people
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 who get sick. When the
government
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 teaches
people
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 how to eat healthy food, exercise, and avoid smoking, they are more likely to stay well.
For example
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, if
people
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 eat more vegetables and walk every day, they may not get heart disease or diabetes.
This
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 helps reduce the number of patients in hospitals and saves
money
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 for the country.
However
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, even if
people
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 try to live healthily, some will still become sick. Some
people
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 have health problems because of old age, family history, or accidents. These
people
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 cannot become healthy just by eating better or exercising. In these situations, the
government
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 must spend
money
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 on doctors, hospitals, and medicine to help them. Without
this
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, many
people
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 may suffer or die. In conclusion, I believe the
government
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 should spend more
money
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 on helping
people
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 stay healthy, because it can stop illness and reduce health costs. At the same time, it is important to support those who are already ill, as they still need care and treatment.

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task achievement
Try to give more specific examples to support your points.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words to connect your ideas better, like 'firstly', 'however', and 'in conclusion'.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea that relates to your overall argument.
task achievement
You have a clear opinion on the topic, which is important.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, which helps your structure.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive measures
  • chronic diseases
  • healthcare costs
  • public health campaigns
  • lifestyle-related illnesses
  • quality of life
  • health-conscious society
  • allocate funds
  • balanced healthcare system
  • comprehensive healthcare strategy
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