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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that advertising targeting children should be banned. Others, however, think that they should not be banned. Discuss both views and give your opinion

These days are an
advertisements
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisement
show examples
era, and advertising become more popular on social media and TV. A group of people claim that
such
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 commercial advertisements targeted at young
children
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 should be banned.
While
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 others have another point of view. In
this
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 essay, I will draw my personal opinion. In terms of problems, advertising food and drinks that have high levels of fat and sugar can lead to serious health risks like
children
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’s obesity.
Moreover
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,
children
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 are unable to differentiate between actual TV programmers and commercials. To illustrate, little
children
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 pester their parents to buy items advertised on television or iPad screens
such
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 as Labobo toys. So that’s why people do not prefer to use
this
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 age group for advertising purposes.
Also
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,
children
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 have not yet learned that things cost money or that money needs to be earned by getting a job or saving money for future plans.
However
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,food advertisements should encourage
children
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 to eat only healthy food like vegetables and fruits. Because it contains nutrients
such
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 as vitamins that are helpful for
children
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’s growth.
In addition
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, some countries have already banned advertising targeted at young
children
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. It should be illegal to use
children
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’s film heroes and favourite cartoon characters for commercials.
For example
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, the government of Canada has applied fines for indiscipline.
Also
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, both schools and parents need to teach
children
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 critical thinking skills. In conclusion, after analysis of points of view, I totally agree with
this
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 argument. Companies should not be allowed to target teenagers to increase sales and promote their products. The government must ensure that steps are taken to prevent these activities for
children
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's protection and community stability

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and follow it. You could improve the flow of your essay by linking ideas better.
task achievement
Provide more examples to support your points. This will make your argument stronger and more convincing.
coherence and cohesion
Remember to check for grammar and punctuation. Some sentences need clearer structure to make your ideas shine better.
task achievement
You have addressed both sides of the argument, which is important in discussion essays.
task achievement
Your conclusion clearly states your opinion, which gives a strong finish to your essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • screen time
  • fast food
  • childhood obesity
  • poor nutrition
  • physical education
  • urbanization
  • safety concerns
  • indoor activities
  • outdoor activities
  • health awareness
  • fitness programs
  • exercise routines
  • dietary habits
  • academic priorities
What to do next:
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