IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

69.Some people say government should give health care the first priorities, some others believe there are more important priorities to spend the tax payers’ money. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

These days, there is an opinion that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should
priorities
Replace the word
prioritise
show examples
 health care
while
Linking Words
 some people argue that there are some other sectors where focus should be
emphasied
Correct your spelling
emphasised
 like education.
This
Linking Words
 essay will illustrate the merits of both viewpoints.
To begin
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 with, medical facilities should be improved with money collected from
the
Correct article usage
apply
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taxes, as
this
Linking Words
 is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 basic need for every human being. From newborn
baby
Fix the agreement mistake
babies
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 to elderly
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
, everyone will
get
Verb problem
apply
show examples
benefit from the enhancement of
Correct article usage
the health
show examples
health care
Correct your spelling
healthcare
show examples
 sector.
For example
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,
healthier
Correct article usage
the healthier
show examples
 the population is
less
Correct word choice
the more
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 people will be distracted and more focused on
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 daily goals, which in turn will benefit the
overall
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 nation. So, putting extra efforts towards
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
medical facilities will not help only in the development of individuals, but
also
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 the whole
society
Change preposition
of society
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.
Moreover
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, if we look at the other side, facilities like educational institutions are very crucial for the growth of
upcoming
Correct article usage
the upcoming
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 generation. If our new generation is not well educated
then
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development
Add an article
the development
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 of the nation is not possible at all.
For instance
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, if
sustainable
Correct article usage
a sustainable
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 amount of funding is not provided towards the research and development
on
Change preposition
of
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 new programs, how to keep students interested in learning methods and they will easily lose interest in studies
.
Change the punctuation
?
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 To deduce,
educations
Replace the word
educational
show examples
intitutions
Correct your spelling
institutions
 are
also
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 equally important for the growth of our race.
To conclude
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, different age groups will benefit
with
Change preposition
from
show examples
 the
developement
Correct your spelling
development
 in different sectors. In my opinion,
focus
Add an article
the focus
show examples
 of government should be priorities
according to
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 the
need
Fix the agreement mistake
needs
show examples
 of time and demographics.

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task achievement
Make sure to explain your main points in more detail and give clearer examples. This will help the reader understand your arguments better.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use linking words (like 'first', 'second', 'for example') to make your essay easier to follow.
overall improvement
Check for spelling and grammar mistakes, as they can affect your score. Pay attention to words like 'development' instead of 'developement' and 'education' instead of 'educations'.
task achievement
You have clearly stated both sides of the argument, which shows good understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which is a strong point.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • productive society
  • preventative care
  • chronic diseases
  • moral and ethical responsibility
  • access to healthcare
  • infrastructure
  • economic growth
  • national security
  • balanced budget
  • critical areas
What to do next:
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