IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many people think it is the government’s responsibility to ensure the provision of good health care for everyone in the community and that each individual should be cared for by State medical programmes. To what extent do you agree with this opinion?

There is an ongoing debate about who is responsible for providing good
health
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 care, with a growing view that the
government
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 is mainly responsible for offering a comfortable life to the population , and citizens should appreciate their efforts by following the medical programmes. From my perspective, I tend to partially agree with
this
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 view for two main reasons. First of all, I believe that the
government
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's role is essential in providing healthcare facilities and applying policies.
For instance
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, imposing taxes on sugary drinks or banning harmful ingredients in processed foods can discourage unhealthy consumption patterns.
Moreover
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, funding for public sports facilities,
health
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 education campaigns, and accessible medical care can empower citizens to lead a healthier lifestyle.
Therefore
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, without supportive infrastructure and policies, many individuals—especially those from lower socioeconomic backgrounds—may struggle to prioritise
health
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 despite good intentions.
In addition
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,
while
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government
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 intervention is highly important, self-awareness plays a crucial role in maintaining a healthy population. In fact, many
health
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 problems stem from a lack of knowledge about nutrition, physical activity, and mental well-being. A recent study published by Oxford University concluded that 90% of individuals who are unaware of the long-term risks of consuming excessive sugar or leading a sedentary lifestyle are less likely to make informed choices.
Moreover
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, when individuals are well-informed and proactive, they are more likely to adopt positive changes, leading to improved physical and mental
health
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 across society. In conclusion,
although
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 the
government
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 is responsible for offering healthcare institutions and strict rules, people carry part of the responsibility by raising their awareness to ensure sustainable results.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and connects back to the main topic.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples or data to strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
Be consistent in your position. If you partially agree, explain why more clearly.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly presents the issue and your point of view.
coherence and cohesion
You have structured your essay well, with clear paragraphs making distinct points.
task achievement
Your conclusion summarizes your thoughts nicely, reinforcing your argument.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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