IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

People are living longer. As a result, some people think that older people cause many problems to the government. Others argue that they have greater contribution to the society. To what extent do the advantages of having on ageing population outweight the disadvantage.

Nowadays,
people
Use synonyms
 live longer than before. Certain
people
Use synonyms
 think that
old
Correct word choice
older
show examples
 individuals cause problems for the
government
Use synonyms
. Others
says
Correct subject-verb agreement
say
show examples
 that old humans still help society. In my opinion,
this
Linking Words
 is the bitter truth
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
show examples
 several issues for the
government
Use synonyms
.
Initially
Linking Words
, the most elderly
people
Use synonyms
Verb problem
do have
show examples
have not
Correct word order
not have
show examples
got
Verb problem
apply
show examples
longer energy or ability to work
in
Fix capitalization
In
show examples
 order to contribute to
develop
Wrong verb form
developing
show examples
 the
government
Use synonyms
. In other
Fix the agreement mistake
words
show examples
word
Add a comma
word,
show examples
 they do not have to pay taxes. In fact, many governments of countries can raise their main income through
gathering
Verb problem
collecting
show examples
 diverse taxes.
Linking Words
However
Punctuation problem
However,
show examples
instead
Linking Words
 of
paying
Verb problem
receiving
show examples
payments
Punctuation problem
payments,
show examples
 they receive financial support from the
government
Use synonyms
 in the form of
pension
Correct article usage
a pension
show examples
. As the number of older
people
Use synonyms
 continues
growing
Wrong verb form
to grow
show examples
 these days. Many governments in different countries are finding a better way for
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
show examples
 problems,
while
Linking Words
 they still do not find
Correct article usage
a perfectly
show examples
perfectly
Replace the word
perfect
show examples
solutions
Fix the agreement mistake
solution
show examples
.
Next,
Linking Words
older humans typically need more medical care than younger citizens. They usually suffer from age-related
,
Check wording
conditions, such
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as heart disease, diabetes or other common
sickness
Fix the agreement mistake
sicknesses
show examples
 which require frequent treatment.
Use synonyms
Government
Correct article usage
The government
show examples
 must invest heavily in healthcare
service
Fix the agreement mistake
services
show examples
, including hospitals, staff, and medication.
Linking Words
This
Fix the agreement mistake
These
show examples
 resources
available
Verb problem
are available
show examples
 for other
purpose
Fix the agreement mistake
purposes
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as education, infrastructure. I can
also
Linking Words
 cause overcrowding in
hospital
Fix the agreement mistake
hospitals
show examples
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
this
Linking Words
 is making
harder
Correct pronoun usage
it harder
show examples
circumstance
Check wording
apply
show examples
for working-age
people
Use synonyms
 to get medical care easily and quickly.
Finally
Linking Words
, another serious issue is that the increase
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
considerable
Correct article usage
a considerable
show examples
amount
Check wording
number
show examples
 of elderly
people
Use synonyms
 leads to a decrease in
number
Correct article usage
the number
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
 who are able to work.
As a result
Linking Words
, the development of
country
Correct article usage
the country
show examples
 moves slowly. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that elderly individuals bring value to society. From my
standpoint
Add a comma
standpoint,
show examples
 the problems of these
people
Use synonyms
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 more than their benefits. As growing expense of the
government
Use synonyms
 is
Correct article usage
a seriously
show examples
seriously
Replace the word
serious
show examples
 issue for the future of the
government
Use synonyms
 revolution.
Linking Words
Therefore
Punctuation problem
Therefore,
show examples
 the disadvantages of
this
Linking Words
 trend clearly outweigh the advantages.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence
Work on organizing your paragraphs better. Make sure each paragraph clearly presents one main idea. Use clear topic sentences.
task achievement
Try to use more examples to support your points. Specific examples help to make your arguments stronger.
coherence
Pay attention to your grammar. Some phrases are unclear or incorrect, which can confuse the reader.
task achievement
You have a clear opinion throughout the essay. This is important for task response.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: