IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that governments should make laws about people’s nutrition and food choice while others argue that it is their choice. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In
this
Linking Words
 contemporary, many
people
Use synonyms
 claim that the authorities should make laws about
people
Use synonyms
's choice about what they consume
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 others
says
Correct subject-verb agreement
say
show examples
 that it is their own choice. In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
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 I will discuss both of these opinions and give my own perspective
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the government should
sentence
Verb problem
enact
show examples
 some laws about the nutrition of
food
Use synonyms
 selection of the residents
as
Punctuation problem
, as
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 dwellers with healthy diets will have good health
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 is very important for the society because it will create a sustainable economy.
For example
Linking Words
,
Japan
Replace the word
Japanese
show examples
 headmasters have created many rules which allow schools to educate children about nutrition in order to shape a healthy diet for children since they were little.
However
Linking Words
, the law should be made to limit
people
Use synonyms
to consume
Change preposition
from consuming
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 unhealthy dishes, not to ban them forever
as
Punctuation problem
, as
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 it would provoke dissatisfaction and rejection among
people
Use synonyms
 toward the authorities.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, each individual should be free to choose their diet as it is one of their interests to have freedom in deciding things that they want to consume and
also
Linking Words
 in
this
Linking Words
era
Punctuation problem
era,
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 scientists can create fast
food
Use synonyms
 which is really nutritious.
For
Linking Words
instance
Add a comma
instance,
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 there are many
food
Use synonyms
 trends that have existed nowadays
like
Punctuation problem
, like
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 boba
teas
Fix the agreement mistake
tea
show examples
 or spicy noodles
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 are not really good for our health
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 if it is
banned
Punctuation problem
banned,
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 the authorities will receive a lot of negative feedback from the consumer.
Moreover
Linking Words
, many
people
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 have obesity are not the result of bad eating habits . Their physical condition is shaped since they were born; it is their gene
that
Linking Words
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 not in normal form. In conclusion, governments should interfere in
people
Use synonyms
's eating habits
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 it is the decision of
people
Use synonyms
 about which types of
food
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
they like to eat.

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Task Achievement
Make your introduction clearer. State your opinion more directly.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use clearer connections between your ideas. For example, use linking words like 'however' and 'moreover' more effectively.
Task Achievement
Provide more specific examples or data to support your points, and ensure you explain how they relate to your view.
Task Achievement
You have included both views in your essay, which is a good approach for the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your conclusion summarizes your main point well, showing your opinion clearly.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • governments
  • laws
  • nutrition
  • food choice
  • public health
  • diseases
  • obesity
  • diabetes
  • problems
  • encourage
  • young people
  • learn
  • schools
  • healthy eating
  • future
  • personal choice
  • interference
  • education
  • teaching
  • options
  • better choices
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