IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays many people want to buy famous brands of cloth, cars and other items. what are the reasons for this? Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

#people #brands #cloth #cars #items #development
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
A vast majority of people in
this
 contemporary time are obsessed with
well known
Add a hyphen
well-known
show examples
 brands of outfits, vehicles, etc. In my opinion,
this
 problem brings many drawbacks to our society and the reasons
as well as
 my support viewpoints
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
this
 matter will be outlined in the following paragraphs before reaching a conclusion.
To begin
 with, there are numerous reasons that cause people
lean
Fix the infinitive
to lean
show examples
 towards expensive products and one of the most significant is a bandwagon. To explain in greater detail, individuals these days want to possess things that are accepted by the public more than looking at their benefits.
Furthermore
, they want to be considered as an updated and fashioned person which in turn allows them to become popular.
For example
, My aunt always splashes out on new famous Prada bags when the company
launchs
Correct your spelling
launches
launched
 new seasonal
campaign
Fix the agreement mistake
campaigns
show examples
 and brings them to her workplace.
As a result
, her colleagues praise her as a trendy person every time when they see these cutting-edge bags.
On the other hand
, I suppose
this
 matter will
offers
Change the verb form
offer
show examples
 us tons of disadvantages and the most crucial one is a distortion of value. To elaborate
further
,
this
 aspect makes citizens judge each other by their outlooks
not
Add the comma(s)
, not
show examples
 their personalities or behaviours.
Moreover
,
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
important
Replace the word
importance
show examples
 of relationships between humans
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 been fading out in recent years.
For example
,
Last
 month I had a gathering with my colleagues and one of them was brought up in a
well off
Add a hyphen
well-off
show examples
 family. He always looked down on another friend who dressed casually and did not
talked
Change the verb form
talk
show examples
 to him, making their relationship
fell
Wrong verb form
fall
show examples
 off.
Overall
, it is undeniable that the population in
this
 era is obsessed with brand products because of their
popularities
Replace the word
popularity
show examples
. From my point of view,
this
 issue
provide
Change the verb form
provides
show examples
 communities with several negative effects and makes us totally ignore relationships.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Great effort in addressing the task! However, to enhance clarity, try to develop your main points in more detail and ensure they're clearly linked to the overall argument of the essay. For instance, when discussing reasons for purchasing famous brands, expand on the societal pressures and psychological aspects more comprehensively.
coherence cohesion
Try to improve the logical flow of your essay. Ensure that each paragraph flows seamlessly into the next. Using transitional phrases can help guide the reader through your arguments more smoothly. For example, words like 'consequently,' 'furthermore,' and 'moreover' can help to link ideas more coherently.
coherence cohesion
Make sure your introduction and conclusion succinctly encapsulate the main points of your essay. The introduction should briefly outline the reasons and your stance, while the conclusion should recap these points and restate your opinion clearly.
task achievement
You've clearly stated your opinion and supported it with specific examples. This allows the reader to understand your viewpoint and see the practical implications of your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. This helps in guiding the reader through your argument.
task achievement
You have used specific examples to illustrate your points, such as the story about your aunt and the gathering with colleagues. These examples make your argument more concrete and relatable.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: