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Writing Samples
Band 6

some people believe that it is the government's resposibility to provide care and finance to support people after they retire, Others, however, think that individuals themselves should save money in their own when they are old. discuss both views and give your opinion.

Whether providing
care
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 and finance by the
government
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 or saving
money
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 by retirees is more beneficial remains a source of controversy.
While
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 many claim that the
government
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 should provide
care
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 and finance, I firmly contend that
people
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 should
care
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 about their
health
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 and save
money
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 for their
retirement
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. On the one hand, retirees often face unexpected expenses,
such
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 as
health
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care
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. The
government
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's assistance can help cover these unpredictable
costs
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. If they do not, the risk of elderly
health
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 would increase, and the rate of death
also
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 increases , which results in a decline in motivation to work until
retirement
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 at a younger age.
Furthermore
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, many
people
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, especially those with low incomes, cannot save enough on their own, making
government
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 support essential for a fair society, as the life expenditure is high and
people
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 earn just enough to meet their daily life, there is no earnings left to save.
On the other hand
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, personal responsibility is important. Individuals should plan and save for their future to ensure they can live comfortably in
retirement
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.
This
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 insurance makes a comfort zone for the time that the
government
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 do not support them financially and does not
care
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 about them anymore.
Therefore
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, they are still able to live in comfort without any hesitation, when they suffer from diseases or they want to pay for buying something necessary. Another reason is that encouraging individuals to save
money
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 and to be more
health
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-conscious can lead to more financial independence and better
health
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 conditions. Saving
money
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 brings them financial literacy , and they would learn more about how they can manage their
money
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 and which objects are worth affording.
In addition
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, having a healthy diet
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 would result in better
health
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 conditions and less healthcare
costs
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. In conclusion,
while
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 some
people
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 believe that financial support and
care
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 should be provided by the
government
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 because
retirement
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 brings some unpredictable
costs
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 and retirees with low income can not afford these
costs
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 and save
money
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, taking responsibility to save
money
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 for the future and being motivated by saving
money
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 and taking
care
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 of
health
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 would be more beneficial.

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task achievement
Make your introduction clearer by stating both views clearly. You can use simpler sentences to explain each side.
task achievement
Add more examples or evidence to support your ideas. This can help the reader understand why your points are important.
coherence and cohesion
Use paragraphs more effectively. Start new points in a new paragraph to improve clarity.
coherence and cohesion
Check your grammar and punctuation, especially for commas and sentence endings, to make your writing clearer.
task achievement
Your ideas about personal responsibility and the role of government are clear and show your opinion well.
task achievement
You've included some good points about the need for financial savings and health care.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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