IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

In
modern
Correct article usage
the modern
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 epoch, the phenomenon of some
children
Use synonyms
 spending a huge amount of time on their
smartphones
Use synonyms
 every day attracts people's attention. The primary reason for
this
Linking Words
 case is because of the growth of
the technology and
Correct word order
technology and the
show examples
 internet. Personally, I think it is a negative development. In the
twenty first
Use the right word
twenty-first
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 century, almost everyone has a smartphone, accompanied
with
Change preposition
by
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this
Linking Words
 hardware breakthrough, there are
also
Linking Words
 many effective achievements in the software region,
such
Linking Words
 as the video display platforms, the chat software and the digital games. These fascinating things can attract
children
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 easily and they are highly addictive
,
Punctuation problem
.
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in
Fix capitalization
In
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 recent times, it is common to see a young child who
glue
Wrong verb form
is glued
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 to their phone for
hours
Use synonyms
, sending messages to others or clicking the screen to fight for a boss in the game. From my perspective, I think it is inefficient for the
children
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 to spend a large
amout
Correct your spelling
amount
 of time on their
smartphones
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. In
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
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ages
Check wording
days
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,
children
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 are recommended to stay at school and study knowledge for
hours
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, rather than looking at their
smartphones
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. Since
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
smartphones
Use synonyms
 are very attractive to
children
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,
children
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 are easily
to be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
distracted by
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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 and
thus
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 cannot display a well academic performance. Some people may argue that if
children
Use synonyms
 are exposed to cellphones for
hours
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, they can be more creative because
with
Punctuation problem
, with
show examples
 the help of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
smartphones
Use synonyms
,
children
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 can acquire a variety of knowledge through the internet.
However
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, if you put a smartphone beside the
chilren
Correct your spelling
children
, they are more willing to use the smartphone to play than to learn. In conclusion, as technology is getting more and more powerful, in my opinion, the case that teenagers are spending
hours
Use synonyms
 on their
smartphones
Use synonyms
everyday
Use the right word
every day
show examples
 is a negative development, and
children
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 should avoid doing
this
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.

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task response
Your introduction is clear, but try to use a stronger hook to engage the reader. You can add a shocking fact or a question.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea. Right now, some ideas are mixed together. Start each paragraph with one main idea.
task response
Use more examples to support your points. When you say something like smartphones distract children, give a real example or a situation that shows how this happens.
coherence cohesion
Proofread your work for small mistakes, like spelling errors (e.g., 'amout' should be 'amount') and grammar errors (e.g., 'are easily to be distracted' should be 'are easily distracted').
task response
You have a clear opinion throughout the essay which is good for task response.
task response
Your points about technology and distractions are relevant and important issues.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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