Some people think that it is better to include more public parks and sports facilities in new towns rather than shopping malls. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In recent years, new towns have been built full of supermarkets and
malls
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instead
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of public
parks
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and sports fields. Some individuals and I believe that governments should build more public
facilities
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because it helps
people
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to entertain themselves and to spend less money on products that they do not use.
To begin
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with, some
people
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go shopping every weekend as a type of entertainment and to buy products that they want.
In other words
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, they find themselves surrounded by different types of
malls
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,
such
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as food
malls
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and clothing markets.
In addition
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, the nearest public
parks
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and courts are too far from their houses.
Moreover
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, some of them suffer from the amount of money that they spend on things that they do not need, but they buy them
while
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shopping.
Thus
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, if governments make more areas for public
facilities
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,
for example
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, zoos, gyms, and golf fields, they will help
people
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to spend less money on shopping.
Moreover
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, some
people
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suffer from obesity because they eat at
malls
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as an entertainment method at weekends. To elaborate, some individuals are addicted to going shopping to eat a meal. They suffer from diabetes and high blood pressure from eating fast food.
However
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, if they find public
parks
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near them, and its entrance fees are cheaper more than mall subscriptions, they will definitely choose to go to it to entertain their children and themself. Not only do public
facilities
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affect
people
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's health positively, but they
also
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help sustain our environment to be greener.
To conclude
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, by highlighting the above-mentioned points, it can be said that public
parks
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and sports centres ,
such
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as gyms, are essential elements for sustainable cities. I encourage governments to establish more public
facilities
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to
Change preposition
for
show examples
people
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, and make them attractive places to encourage local
people
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to visit.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that the ideas flow logically from one to another.
task achievement
Add more specific examples to support your points and make them more convincing.
lexical resource
Try to use a greater variety of vocabulary to make your writing more engaging and less repetitive.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your opinion on the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion effectively sums up your main points and reiterates your stance.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example
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