IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

successful sports professionals can earn much more money than people in other important jobs. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

A successful professional athlete can get
money
Use synonyms
 from other
jobs
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,
Punctuation problem
. Also
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Linking Words
also
Punctuation problem
also,
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 some individuals saw that it is unfair and not good
, in
Punctuation problem
. In
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 my opinion,
i
Fix capitalization
I
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 agree with other people who see
this
Linking Words
 as unfair, because
this
Linking Words
 is not as important as other
jobs
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, doctors, engineers and teachers. Professional
sports
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 nowadays its
one
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 of the important things. The professional athlete he is makes too much of
sports
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, but some
players
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 join a good sport like football to earn
money
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. Playing professional
sports
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need
Verb problem
requires
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 too much power and energy, and keeping
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players
Check wording
players'
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 bodies healthy
They
Punctuation problem
. They
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 play matches for
one
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 and a half hours for the champions,
while
Linking Words
 others only join clubs for
money
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 , not for
sports
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.
For example
Linking Words
, some big and famous
players
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 nowadays are Ronoaldo is
one
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 of
famous
Correct article usage
the famous
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person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
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they
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 has millions from football games.
Moreover
Linking Words
, Michael Jordan is
one
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 of my best people who play basketball and basketball
a
Verb problem
is a
show examples
sport that can earn a lot of
money
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 , like Michael Jordan.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, other humans see
this
Linking Words
 as unfair and not better for others'
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
, see professional
sports
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 earn much from them. Big
jobs
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 that require for than 5 years see his work as nothing because of
sports
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. Medicine is the
one
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 important things in our
life
Punctuation problem
life,
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 it saves people's lives and professional
sports
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players
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. Without
Doctors
Add a comma
Doctors,
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 the
players
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 can’t save their lives.
However
Linking Words
, Engineering is the most important part we need in our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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. Without engineering , we can’t build our house, school,
the
Correct word choice
or the
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 football stadium. But all of these earn low
money
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 , only a salary they take from their job , and
this
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 is unfair. In conclusion, other important
jobs
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 that need to get double the salary of
players
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' salaries ; without these
jobs
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 , we cannot make anything. In my
opinoin
Correct your spelling
opinion
, I saw too give who work for
this
Linking Words
 country double salary
more
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
show examples
to
players
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
Your introduction should clearly outline your main argument and the main points you will discuss in the essay. Try to be more specific when stating your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
You should organize your paragraphs better. Each paragraph should have one clear main idea. Try to separate your points more distinctly.
task achievement
Use clearer examples and explain how they support your points. Provide more detail and coherence in your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Improve your sentence structure. Avoid run-on sentences and ensure that each sentence clearly conveys a single idea.
task achievement
You have chosen relevant examples like Ronaldo and Michael Jordan to support your points, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion summarizes your opinion well, which adds clarity to your essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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