IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people believe that money makes life easier and more comfortable. Others think that a large amount of wealth brings more trouble. Do the advantages of having a lot of money outweigh the disadvantages?

Some people hold the view that having a high financial balance brings ease and comfort to their lives,
whereas
Linking Words
 others say that having too much
money
Use synonyms
 may cause various issues and even severe depression.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both views;
however
Linking Words
, I will support the first statement more. To commence with, a rich person usually lives with tension and
therefore
Linking Words
 may lose
his
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 health.
This
Linking Words
 is because of the fear of losing his
money
Use synonyms
 and property. He gets scared that if any robber manages to get into his house, his
life
Use synonyms
 and his beloved family members would be at risk.
For example
Linking Words
, a survey report suggests that around 80% of the victims of heart attacks are from the elite class. The actual cause of heart failure is high blood pressure, which usually happens
due to
Linking Words
 severe anxiety and constant mental pressure.
Moreover
Linking Words
, wealthy people often feel lonely, as they cannot trust everyone around them
due to
Linking Words
 fears of betrayal, which
further
Linking Words
 leads to depression and a lack of true happiness in
life
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, luxuries can only be achieved, and a high standard of living can only be maintained, with a handsome income.
Thus
Linking Words
, the expenses of quality education and medical care can be met easily. If we exempt the cases of scholarships,
for instance
Linking Words
,
then
Linking Words
 about 100% of the students who go abroad for higher studies belong to wealthy families, because only they can afford
such
Linking Words
 expensive education.
In addition
Linking Words
 to
this
Linking Words
, a good financial status gives access to the best hospitals and experienced doctors, ensuring a longer and healthier
life
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, having sufficient
money
Use synonyms
 allows people to travel around the world, which broadens their horizons and brings satisfaction and joy in
life
Use synonyms
.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 a good bank balance can bring anxiety and poor health
due to
Linking Words
 fear and pressure, it
also
Linking Words
 brings many facilities, comforts, and opportunities to live a luxurious and enjoyable
life
Use synonyms
. In my opinion, the advantages of having a strong financial status outweigh its disadvantages because
money
Use synonyms
 provides security and choices in
life
Use synonyms

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Make sure every point clearly supports your main argument. Some sentences may seem a bit off-topic.
coherence and cohesion
Try to connect your ideas more clearly across paragraphs. Use linking words to make the flow better.
task achievement
Give a few more examples to support your points. This will make your argument stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
You provide a balanced view by discussing both sides of the argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Financial security
  • Quality of life
  • Social isolation
  • Philanthropy
  • Wealth management
  • Material possessions
  • Economic stability
  • Opportunities
  • Excessive wealth
  • Exploitative relationships
What to do next:
Look at other essays: