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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020.

The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020.
The line graph provides information on the
amount
Check wording
number
show examples
 of participants doing diverse activities at
certain
Correct article usage
a certain
show examples
 social centre in Melbourne in the year of 2000 to 2020.
Overall
Linking Words
, two events
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as, film club and martial
arts
Punctuation problem
arts,
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experience
Wrong verb form
experienced
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 a fluctuation which went up and down over the period of
time
Use synonyms
.
Instead
Linking Words
, a gradual increase
was happened
Verb problem
occurred
show examples
 in the participation of table tennis and musical performances,
while
Linking Words
 amateur dramatics was falling down
Use synonyms
time
Change preposition
from time
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 to
time
Use synonyms
. From 2000 to 2005, amateur dramatics and table tennis received higher
participations
Fix the agreement mistake
participation
show examples
up
Punctuation problem
, up
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 to about 10
people
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, different from table
tennis
Punctuation problem
tennis,
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 was significantly inclined
Use synonyms
time
Change preposition
from time
show examples
 to
time
Use synonyms
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
amateur dramatics were going down to almost 0
people
Use synonyms
 involved in
this
Linking Words
 activity. In the
5
Correct word choice
first 5
show examples
initial
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
years,
number
Correct article usage
the number
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
joined
Wrong verb form
joining
show examples
 in film club and martial arts was a little bit falling and,
Linking Words
then
Correct word choice
and then
show examples
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 gradually experienced fluctuating graphs in 20 years
ahead
Rephrase
apply
show examples
. Meanwhile, musical performances had just started in 2005 with 0 participants but steadily
rised
Correct your spelling
rose
 until they reached more than 10
people
Use synonyms
 in 2020.

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Vocabulary: Replace the words time, people with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "table" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "fall" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "gradual" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • participants
  • social centre
  • comparison
  • trends
  • consistently popular
  • gained popularity
  • lost popularity
  • community interest
  • availability of facilities
  • social factors
  • economic factors
  • external events
  • economic downturns
  • health crises
  • demographic changes
  • aging population
  • marketing
  • community outreach programs
  • participation rates
  • Melbourne
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