IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

Some have argued that the more sports equipment and facilities there are, the more improvement they offer for public
health
Use synonyms
. Others,
nevertheless
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, assert that
this
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 would not only have a limited impact on public wellness but
also
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 require strategic planning. I believe that
exercise
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 cannot affect
overall
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health
Use synonyms
 on its own, since various crucial factors play a significant role in
this
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 regard. On the one hand, supporters of increasing the number of sports facilities claim that
this
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 offers unique opportunities to individuals who suffer from serious chronic illnesses, including heart disease, obesity, and mental
health
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 issues
such
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 as stress and depression, giving them easy access to facilities and increasing their motivation to
exercise
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. As an example, building sports clubs leads to an enhanced availability of them, and provides a welcoming space that encourages participants.
Thus
Linking Words
,
this
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 view supports public well-being and lays a strong foundation for a healthier society. The opposite side cites that the
health
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 of a society is affected by various factors, including accessibility to public healthcare centres, the number of medical staff, and people's awareness of
health
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 issues, all of which contribute to enhancing the quality of well-being in the community.
For instance
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, Canada,
due to
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 its
health
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 problems that stem from a shortage of healthcare workers, is forced to employ nurses, pharmacists, and physicians from other countries in order to fill the gap in its healthcare system.
Hence
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, these factors clearly show that
exercise
Use synonyms
 is unable to improve public
health
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 on its own.
To sum up
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, from my vantage point,
although
Linking Words
exercise
Use synonyms
 contributes to people becoming healthier, it is unable to increase the level of
health
Use synonyms
 in a community purely, as there are several key elements which cooperate with each other to pave the way for building a healthy community.

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly present your opinion in the introduction and conclusion.
coherence
Use clearer topic sentences for your paragraphs to guide your reader.
task achievement
Add more examples to support your arguments, especially in the second paragraph.
general
You present arguments for both sides well, which makes your essay balanced.
general
Your writing shows a good understanding of public health issues.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • sports facilities
  • physical activity
  • exercise
  • chronic diseases
  • heart disease
  • obesity
  • inclusivity
  • participation
  • safe environment
  • social interaction
  • community engagement
  • comprehensive approach
  • health education programs
  • environmental factors
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • quality healthcare services
  • public health initiatives
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