IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many countries, people are moving from rural areas and towards urban areas. Why do you think that is? What problems can this cause?

There is a growing
number
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 of
people
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 moving from rural
areas
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 to urban
areas
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. I believe that
this
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 happens because of the need to find a better
job
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 to live.
However
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, a high
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number
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level
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 of
urbanization
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urbanisation
show examples
 will eventually trigger an increase
of
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in
show examples
cost
Correct article usage
the cost
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 of living
as well as
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 high pollution around the
city
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which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 will affect
people
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’s quality of
life
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. Many opt to
mobilize
Verb problem
migrate
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 from rural
areas
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 to urban
areas
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mostly
Punctuation problem
, mostly
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 in order to search for better jobs. In the
cities
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, there are a lot of
job
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 vacancies available, particularly for various academic backgrounds
compared
Punctuation problem
, compared
show examples
 to those provided in the village.
For example
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, an IT expert usually will look for a
job
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 in a big
tech-company
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tech company
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 where the main office
resided
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is located
show examples
 in the
city
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.
Likewise
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, a unicorn startup in Indonesia, namely Gojek, has
their
Fix the agreement mistake
its
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 headquarters in Jakarta
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 is the capital,
means
Wrong verb form
meaning
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 that the opportunities lie everywhere, mostly in town. Meanwhile, opportunities in urban
cities
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 are most likely limited and tend to circulate only in agriculture and forestry, which are not related to most vacancies searched by the graduates. A high and regular
number
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 of citizens moving to the
cities
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 will eventually cause some issues.
First,
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urbanization
Use the right word
urbanisation
show examples
consequently
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grows
Verb problem
creates
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 a high demand for property because each individual needs a place to live.
As a result
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, the price to rent or even buy a house would become higher and
thus
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 make a noticeable
raise
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rise
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 in the cost of living in that particular
city
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.
This
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 will make
people
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 cannot afford a better
life
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 in the
city
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even
Punctuation problem
, even
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 when they already
got
Verb problem
have
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 a better
job
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rather
Punctuation problem
, rather
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 than in
the
Correct article usage
a
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 smaller town.
Moreover
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, dense population
also
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 leads to the possibility of highly polluted air.
This
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 pollution may appear
due to
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 the significant use of transportation. In Jakarta, the
number
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 of private transportation used by the
people
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 is very high
where
Punctuation problem
, where
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one
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 person has
one
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 motorcycle
as well as
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one
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 family has
one
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 car, which they use regularly to go to the office.
This
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 makes Jakarta
become
Verb problem
apply
show examples
one
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 of the
cities
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 in the world with very poor air
condition
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quality
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,
furthermore
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 decreasing the quality of
life
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 there. In conclusion,
although
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 many
people
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 have the right to search for a better living by finding a new
job
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, a very significant
number
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 of
people
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 moving to the
city
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 would create some major drawbacks,
such
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 as high cost of living and pollution
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
city
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.
Hence
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, the government should
also
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 consider the best way to overcome the
problems
Punctuation problem
problems,
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 given that
people
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 are hoping for a better
life
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.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph only has one main idea and connect them smoothly.
task response
In your conclusion, restate your main points clearly and concisely.
task response
Add more specific examples to support your arguments about job opportunities and pollution.
structure
You provided a clear introduction and conclusion, summarizing your main points well.
support
The use of examples, like the IT expert and Gojek, makes your argument stronger and more relatable.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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