IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart shows attendence of people in different age in music events in Australia in 2006.

The bar chart shows attendence of people in different age in music events in Australia in 2006.
The given bar chart compares
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the different
age
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
groups
Check wording
groups'
show examples
participant
Replace the word
participation
show examples
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 three
catagories
Correct your spelling
categories
 in terms of musical festivals, namely classical,
opera
Use synonyms
, and popular
in
Punctuation problem
, in
show examples
 Australia in 2006.
Overall
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 the percentage of people in
popular
Correct article usage
the popular
show examples
 group was the highest, followed distantly by
opera
Use synonyms
 and classical among the young ages.
The all
Correct word order
All the
show examples
 figures experienced the smallest trend
around
Change preposition
among
show examples
 senior citizens. As for
15
Correct article usage
the 15
show examples
-24
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
, the proportion of
participations
Fix the agreement mistake
participation
show examples
 in popular was the biggest
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 was approximately 37
compared
Punctuation problem
, compared
show examples
 to classical and
opera
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 were about 11 and 13.
Also
Linking Words
,
omong
Correct your spelling
among
 the 25-34
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
,
the all
Correct word order
all the
show examples
 figures
were
Verb problem
apply
show examples
remained unchanged;
however
Linking Words
, in the percentage of
popular
Replace the word
popularity
show examples
, there was a
decrease dramatic
Correct word order
dramatic decrease
show examples
, reaching over 25.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the figure of popular remained more dominant position than classical
with
Punctuation problem
, with
show examples
 just
upper
Correct article usage
the upper
show examples
 10 and
opera
Use synonyms
 with 25 in
35
Correct article usage
the 35
show examples
-44
age
Use synonyms
generations
Fix the agreement mistake
generation
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, the proportion of all three
catagories
Correct your spelling
categories
 was not lifted from 15 over the 45
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
.
in
Fix capitalization
In
show examples
45
Correct article usage
the 45
show examples
-54
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
, the
Check wording
group, the
show examples
 figure of classical was not as big as
opera
Use synonyms
 and popular, with 10 compared to 15 approximately 13. Over 55
age
Use synonyms
 group
people's indexes
Check wording
apply
show examples
remained slightly, but popular saw a huge change, which was 5.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words age, groups, opera with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "compares" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "remained" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 2 times.
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