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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that money one of the most essential factors in promoting hapiness. Do you think people can be happy without much money? What other factors contribute towards hapiness? Zhazira

Some
people
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 argue that
money
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 is the biggest influence on promoting
happiness
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. I believe that family and friends contribute much more to a fulfilling
life
Use synonyms
 than
money
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.
This
Linking Words
 is often seen in poorer countries like Georgia, where
happiness
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 does not come from wealth. On the one hand,
money
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 can bring a lot of stability to
life
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 and make many situations easier for oneself. Not having to worry about upcoming expenses,
such
Linking Words
 as insurance costs, electricity bills, or unforeseen costs like hospital bills, takes a lot of pressure away.
This
Linking Words
 allows
people
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 to focus on more important things
like
Punctuation problem
, like
show examples
 family or hobbies. Especially rich
people
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 can
fulfill
Use the right word
fulfil
show examples
 their dreams regardless of the cost.
This
Linking Words
 definitely can contribute to a happy
life
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.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
money
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 has to be earned, which often results in long working hours, job pressure, and even being controlled by your own wealth. Very often, situations like
this
Linking Words
 cannot be made up for by doing expensive activities for fun.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, family and friends play a vital role in promoting
happiness
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 in
people
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.
For instance
Linking Words
, a mother seeing her daughter succeed in
life
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 feels much happier than
money
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 could ever make her. When I went hiking in Georgia, I met some
people
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 in the woods who offered me food, even though they did not have much themselves. They welcomed me and were happy to see me, even though we could not communicate
due to
Linking Words
 language barriers. These
people
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 shared the little food they had to make my day. All of them seemed genuinely happy with what they had. It showed me that you don't need many possessions to live a fulfilling
life
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. It is enough to have friends and family around you with whom you can share your
happiness
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. In conclusion,
money
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 might be a factor in living a good
life
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, but there are
much
Fix the agreement mistake
many
show examples
 more important things that make
life
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 enjoyable. I firmly believe that contact with others and seeing the
people
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 around us happy contributes far more to a satisfying
life
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
Try to add a few more clear examples that connect directly to your main ideas to strengthen your points.
coherence
Make sure each paragraph flows smoothly to the next; adding transition words can help with this.
task achievement
While you have presented your ideas well, try to provide a little more detail in explaining how money can make happiness harder to achieve.
task achievement
You clearly express your main ideas and provide a strong viewpoint about happiness being related to connections with others.
coherence
Your structure is well-organized, with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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