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Writing Samples
Band 7

The best way to tackle the problem of obesity is to educate people about healthy eating. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Undoubtedly,
people
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 are more health-conscious in today’s society.
While
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 some
people
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 reckon that the most effective way to deal with the problem of
obesity
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 is to
instill
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instil
show examples
 healthy eating habits into
people
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, I totally agree with
this
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 statement, and the reasons will be thoroughly elaborated on as follows.
To begin
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 with,
people
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’s eating habits can be the root cause of
obesity
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;
therefore
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, guiding individuals to stick with healthier
foods
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 can help reduce
obesity
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 in the long term.
That is
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 to say, sustenance is an important part of
people
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’s daily lives. If they fail to manage their eating habits, they are more likely to suffer from
obesity
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 or even cardiovascular diseases.
For example
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, in the USA, in order to advocate low-calorie and additive-free
foods
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, many local governments coordinate with supermarkets, displaying a lot of healthy
foods
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 rich in minerals, nutrients and fibres on the shelves, making them more visible to customers.
As a result
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,
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apply
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 owing to
this
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 proposal, certain cities
such
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 as New York and Texas have shown a lower rate of
obesity
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. Nowadays,
people
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 live fast-paced lives, leaving them less time to
work
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 out or go to a doctor for medical advice, which may increase the risk of developing some health conditions. To be more specific, most citizens are unable to allocate time to do physical exercise, since they usually spend more time on
work
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, leading them to eat ready-to-eat or packaged
foods
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, resulting in
obesity
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.
For instance
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, in Japan, many workers often have to
work
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 overtime and struggle to maintain a
work
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-life balance;
additionally
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, they tend to buy convenience or fast
foods
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instead
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 of preparing meals themselves, as they want to finish their
work
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 more efficiently.
Consequently
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, the high consumption of fatty and sugary ultra-processed
foods
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 causes many employees to become obese at an early age. In conclusion, based on the aforementioned, the best way to avoid
obesity
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 is to instruct
people
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 to start having healthy meals every day,
due to
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 its importance in
people
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’s lives and its ability to better align with individuals’ living patterns.

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coherence and cohesion
Try to add more clear linking words between sentences and paragraphs. This will help your ideas flow better.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has one clear main idea. Try to make the main ideas stand out more clearly.
task achievement
In your conclusion, you could summarize the main points a bit more to reinforce your argument.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples which support your argument well, especially from the USA and Japan.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction clearly states your opinion on the topic from the beginning, which is a strong way to start the essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity epidemic
  • educate
  • awareness
  • healthy eating habits
  • nutrition
  • balanced diet
  • nutrient-rich
  • fruits and vegetables
  • home-cooked meals
  • fast food
  • processed foods
  • portion control
  • mindful eating
  • physical activity
  • sedentary lifestyle
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