Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

It is an inevitable fact that the public, especially the youth,
spend
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spends
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more and more
time
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on their smartphone.
While
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it is a widely-held belief that
this
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development has positive impacts, I think there should be a balance, and without one, the cons will outweigh the pros. On the one hand, smartphones are extremely user-friendly, and with the advances of technology, every day a new
gadget
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gadgets
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and
feature
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features
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are added to them, which make them remarkably convenient to use.
That is
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why the new generation does almost all of their tasks and activities,
such
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as attending a lecture, shopping,
interacting
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and interacting
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with their friends, on their phones.
While
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it is a hard
time
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of adaptation for the previous generation, it is like breathing air to the former.
For example
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, when it comes to composing an email, a millennial would usually use a laptop,
while
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a young person would easily type an email via their smartphone.
Furthermore
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, with easy access to the Internet, the young generation is more informed and knowledgeable.
On the other hand
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, using smartphones could be significantly addictive.
While
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there are a lot of applications, say, LinkedIn and YouTube, that are great for education or pursuing careers and learning skills, most young people spend
time
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on applications like Instagram or TikTok, without any purpose and for entertainment. It has negative effects, like a lack of communication skills in real life or resulting in new employees without adequate knowledge and skills.
Moreover
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, constantly checking news or updates on social media on the
phones
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phone
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could lead to mental health problems, like FOMO and anxiety. In conclusion, when it comes to children spending more
time
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on their phones than average, there are negative impacts,
such
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as addiction and mental health issues, and positive effects like access to more information and daily activities.
However
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, I think there should be a balance to make sure that the negative impacts, which need more attention from the adults, will not outweigh the positive ones.

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grammar
Break long and tricky sentences into shorter ones so the ideas are clear.
task response
Make the start and end stronger. State your view in the first lines and end with a clear summary.
coherence
Link ideas smoothly from one to the next. Use simple links like 'but', 'also', 'so', 'next' to guide the reader.
content
Give more clear reasons for why kids spend time on phones, with one or two real life facts.
grammar
Fix small grammar and word choice errors, and keep to simple phrases.
content
Use examples that relate to school, family, or daily life to show points, and keep them simple.
conclusion
Conclude with a strong final sentence that repeats your view.
content
The essay shows both sides with clear balance.
structure
Good use of 'on the one hand' and 'on the other hand' to link ideas.
organization
There is a clear plan: intro, two body parts, and a conclusion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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