IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many children today are overweight and in poor health. This is a very serious problem world wide. Give reasons to explain this child heath problem and give solutions to fix it.

Obesity
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 and
health
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 problems have become major issues among
children
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.
Children
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 today face a serious problem. Many are overweight and in very poor
health
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.
This
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 essay will examine the reasons for
obesity
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 and the solutions to fix it. There are many serious reasons that cause overweight and unhealthy issues.
First,
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unhealthy food is the main reason for
obesity
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 among
children
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.
For
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example
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, they used to eat junk food
instead
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 of natural food.
In addition
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, chocolates and sweets may cause diabetes and fat gain for them.
Second,
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laziness is one of the most common habits of
children
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. Another
example
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 of
this
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 is that they spend most of their time online.
Moreover
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, they prefer to use social media to contact their friends rather than meeting them.
Finally
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, there are various
health
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 diseases that people don't pay enough attention to.
For
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example
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, low testosterone levels may lead to being overweight.
Also
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,
obesity
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 causes dangerous cardiac conditions.
However
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, there are many effective solutions to fix childhood
obesity
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 and
health
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 problems.
First,
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the most important step to lose weight is following a diet plan. An
example
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 of
this
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 is being in a calorie deficit.
This
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 is a brilliant method to lose fat.
Furthermore
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, eating high protein would help to build muscles and burn fat.
Second,
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doing exercises three times a week will simulate the basal metabolic rate. Another idea is lifting weights. It's effective for building muscles and losing weight.
Moreover
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, some cardio, like walking, would
also
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 help.
Finally
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, changing a child's daily habits would make for impressive development. An
example
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 of
this
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 is being more active.
For instance
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, walking and not being driven is useful. In conclusion, it is clear to see that there are a variety of reasons responsible for the child
obesity
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 problem.
However
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, there are many solid solutions to address
this
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health
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 issue.

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task
Work on task focus. The essay talks about causes and fixes, but some ideas are not well linked to the task. Keep to facts that a child reader can accept and give clear steps.
coherence
Give the plan in clear order and keep it to one idea per paragraph. Each paragraph should have a clear main point and a rest line that links to the next.
coherence
Add more solid and easy steps in the solutions. For example, in a plan for a day, show what a child could eat, when to exercise, and how to start.
task
Be careful with facts about health. Remove or adjust claims that are not true for most kids, like low testosterone being common.
coherence
Use simple linking words to show order: First, Next, Then, Also, Finally, So. This helps the flow of ideas.
content
The essay has a clear plan in the intro.
structure
The writer uses words like First, Second to show order.
content
There are many ideas on both causes and fixes.
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