IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many children today are overweight and in poor health. This is a very serious problem world wide. Give reasons to explain this child heath problem and give solutions to fix it.

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Obesity
Use synonyms
 and
health
Use synonyms
 problems have become major issues among
children
Use synonyms
.
Children
Use synonyms
 today face a serious problem. Many are overweight and in very poor
health
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine the reasons for
obesity
Use synonyms
 and the solutions to fix it.
Body paragraph 1
There are many serious reasons that cause overweight and unhealthy issues.
First,
Linking Words
unhealthy food is the main reason for
obesity
Use synonyms
 among
children
Use synonyms
.
For
Linking Words
example
Use synonyms
, they used to eat junk food
instead
Linking Words
 of natural food.
In addition
Linking Words
, chocolates and sweets may cause diabetes and fat gain for them.
Second,
Linking Words
laziness is one of the most common habits of
children
Use synonyms
. Another
example
Use synonyms
 of
this
Linking Words
 is that they spend most of their time online.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they prefer to use social media to contact their friends rather than meeting them.
Finally
Linking Words
, there are various
health
Use synonyms
 diseases that people don't pay enough attention to.
For
Linking Words
example
Use synonyms
, low testosterone levels may lead to being overweight.
Also
Linking Words
,
obesity
Use synonyms
 causes dangerous cardiac conditions.
Body paragraph 2
However
Linking Words
, there are many effective solutions to fix childhood
obesity
Use synonyms
 and
health
Use synonyms
 problems.
First,
Linking Words
the most important step to lose weight is following a diet plan. An
example
Use synonyms
 of
this
Linking Words
 is being in a calorie deficit.
This
Linking Words
 is a brilliant method to lose fat.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, eating high protein would help to build muscles and burn fat.
Second,
Linking Words
doing exercises three times a week will simulate the basal metabolic rate. Another idea is lifting weights. It's effective for building muscles and losing weight.
Moreover
Linking Words
, some cardio, like walking, would
also
Linking Words
 help.
Finally
Linking Words
, changing a child's daily habits would make for impressive development. An
example
Use synonyms
 of
this
Linking Words
 is being more active.
For instance
Linking Words
, walking and not being driven is useful.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is clear to see that there are a variety of reasons responsible for the child
obesity
Use synonyms
 problem.
However
Linking Words
, there are many solid solutions to address
this
Linking Words
health
Use synonyms
 issue.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task
Work on task focus. The essay talks about causes and fixes, but some ideas are not well linked to the task. Keep to facts that a child reader can accept and give clear steps.
coherence
Give the plan in clear order and keep it to one idea per paragraph. Each paragraph should have a clear main point and a rest line that links to the next.
coherence
Add more solid and easy steps in the solutions. For example, in a plan for a day, show what a child could eat, when to exercise, and how to start.
task
Be careful with facts about health. Remove or adjust claims that are not true for most kids, like low testosterone being common.
coherence
Use simple linking words to show order: First, Next, Then, Also, Finally, So. This helps the flow of ideas.
content
The essay has a clear plan in the intro.
structure
The writer uses words like First, Second to show order.
content
There are many ideas on both causes and fixes.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: