IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

'Most people believe true happiness lies with money, and some do without money.' To what extent do you agree?

In the contemporary world, financial stability plays a crucial role in determining the level of joyfulness and
satisfaction
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 of
individuals
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. I concur with the notion that
money
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 is one of the most significant factors in the well-being of the public, encounters the creation of healthy and positive social environments. Undoubtedly, sufficient financial resources are important for the public to provide their basic needs,
such
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 as food, shelter, acquiring education, and accessing health-related services.
However
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, the impact of
money
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 on the
overall
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satisfaction
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 of
individuals
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 is quite subjective and varies from person to person. Possessing sufficient amounts of funds provides a high level of
satisfaction
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 from the standard of living.
Moreover
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, a financial cushion can shield
individuals
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 from the adversities of life. alleviate stress associated with financial instability.
On the other hand
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, there is a huge portion of
individuals
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 who have a relentless pursuit of wealth, which can trigger detrimental effects on their well-being, indeed.
Furthermore
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, they are fixated on financial prosperity and will often experience feelings of burnout, mental breakdown, lack of purpose, or even depression.
For instance
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, research shows that, after obtaining the fundamental needs of
individuals
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, the additional impact of
money
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 on happiness tends to diminish, a phenomenon known as the “diminishing returns of wealth.”
To sum up
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,
although
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 it is believed that
money
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 can evoke
individuals
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' happiness as the primary factor of health outcome and robust social networks, I am of the opinion that
money
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 should not be regarded as the only factor for achieving their personal
satisfaction
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 and fulfilment.

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task-response
In the intro, make a clear view of your stance and keep it to the end.
task-response
Give more real life examples or facts to back up your view.
coherence
Use a four part plan: view, why money helps, why it can harm, final take, and a short ending.
coherence
Make each paragraph have one main idea and use good links to join ideas.
grammar
Fix small grammar errors and weak phrases. Use 'and' to join ideas instead of split phrases.
lexical
Use simple and common word choice; avoid long hard words.
content
The essay shows a clear view on money and happiness.
structure
Link words help flow (on the one hand, on the other hand, for instance).
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