IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

As mass communication and transport continue to grow, societies are becoming more and more alike, leading to a phenomenon known as globalization. Some people fear that globalization will inevitably lead to the total loss of cultural identity. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Some
people
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 feel that
globalisation
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, driven by the rapid growth of mass communication and transport, is damaging the uniqueness of cultural identity and pressing towards uniformity. In my opinion,
globalisation
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 poses a threat to cultural diversity and may lead to the loss of customary traditions. The primary reason is that
globalisation
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 promotes a standardised approach. What I mean here is that global brands, popular media and culture now transcend national boundaries.
In particular
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, the widespread
of
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adoption of
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 Western lifestyle, tradition and food outlets
,
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apply
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 often overshadows local markets and customs.
For example
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, a local vendor who has set up a stall in the nearby park sells a variety of traditional snacks and food.
Last
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 year, the introduction of Western fast food outlets in the neighbourhood attracted many
people
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 in the surrounding area, resulting in a loss to his business and the popularity of local cuisines.
Hence
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,
globalisation
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 can have adverse effects on the local markets. An additional reason for my stance is that
globalisation
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 might have a detrimental impact on cultural practices and traditional customs. Granted, homogenisation may enhance lifestyle and workspace with advanced technologies, but it
also
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 threatens the preservation of history and traditions. Not only are distinct practices from different nations becoming dominant across the globe, but
also
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 the younger generation tends to prioritise them over their native ones.
For instance
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, a survey conducted by a renowned textile industry demonstrates a decrease in the trend of cultural wears, as many
people
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 in India prefer to follow Western clothing rather than traditional clothing for daily activities.
Accordingly
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, acculturation erodes the interest of
people
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 towards their national identity. In conclusion, the spread of a single global civilisation and common merchandise may eventually lead to the erosion of cultural mores and the rural economy.
Therefore
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, it is essential to find a balance where societies can benefit from global integration
while
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 safeguarding their unique cultural identities.

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tip
State your view clearly in the opening line and keep this view in mindthroughout all paragraphs.
tip
Add more clear and strong ideas, and give more exact examples to back them up.
tip
Check small word use and grammar to make the text easier to read.
tip
Begin each paragraph with a clear sentence about its main point and use simple links to join ideas.
tip
End with a short line that restates your view.
strength
You show a clear view on the topic.
strength
The plan in three parts keeps the text easy to follow.
strength
Examples talk about life in a real place, which helps.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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