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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think watching television is bad for children in every way other belive it is good for devolping children as they grow up discuss both views and give your own opinion

In recent years, concerns about children's usage of electronic
devices
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 have prompted some parents to restrict them.
While
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 some people argue that televisions cause serious eye strain, others believe that they encourage a child to enhance their vocabulary. In my opinion, a complete prohibition carries more disadvantages than benefits. On the one hand, many individuals reside with the statement that watching educational cartoons develops young kids' speaking skills.
For instance
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, my six-year-old cousin has learned how to structure complete sentences
due to
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 a cartoon show.
Moreover
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,
this
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 demonstrates that electronic
devices
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 could cooperate in helping to improve the accuracy of the younger generation's fluency.
Thus
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,
by
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apply
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allowing access to motion graphics
,
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apply
show examples
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this
Correct determiner usage
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provides them with high educational value.
On the other hand
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, a large group of residents argue that spending an extended period of time on a television strains the growth of young individuals ' eyesight.
In addition
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,
this
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 is evident because a number of parents volunteered to prevent their sons from using the TV, which increased their eyesight , as reported by a university's medical research student.
On the contrary
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,
this
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 depicts that by eliminating the time spent on
devices
Use synonyms
,
this
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 would aim to increase the future generations' from short eyesight .
Hence
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,
this
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 would lower the incidence of eye strain within a country. In conclusion,
although
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 eliminating the frequent use of electronic
devices
Use synonyms
 could promote the public's well-being, it would likely allow children to access educational shows, which would enhance their speaking skills. In my opinion, a more balanced approach would be limited regulations
along with
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 widespread education on how to activate time limits, ensuring that citizens are informed and able to make appropriate choices.
This
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 solution is both fair
,
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 and practical for modern societies.

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task
State your view clearly in the first paragraph and restate it in the end.
task
Make each idea link to your view with clear bridges.
language
Use short, plain sentences. Break long ones so they are easy to read.
content
Give better, clear examples that fit the point and say how they show the idea.
language
Check grammar and word use, fix mistakes like 'eye strain' or odd phrases.
structure
There is a clear plan: intro, body, and conclusion.
content
A real-life example supports a point.
coherence
Link words help flow from one idea to the next.
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