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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart and table below give information about exercise and absenteeism in two departments of a major company, Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart and table below give information about exercise and absenteeism in two departments of a major company, Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.
The bar chart provides data regarding the proportions of
employees
Use synonyms
 doing exercises in two departments of one company in 2012,
whereas
Linking Words
 the table gives information about the absenteeism due
illness
Change preposition
to illness
show examples
 per 1000
employees
Use synonyms
 there.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 in Birmingham, the highest proportion of
workers
Use synonyms
 exercised for between 5 and 15
hours
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
 in
London
Use synonyms
, they did
this
Linking Words
 for between
under
Change preposition
apply
show examples
5 and 10
hours
Use synonyms
. It is
also
Linking Words
 evident that the level of absenteeism in
Bermingham
Use the right word
Birmingham
show examples
 was lower. Focusing
firs
Use the right word
first
show examples
 on the proportion of
employees
Use synonyms
 doing exercises, in Birmingham, half of all
workers
Use synonyms
, 50%, exercised for 5 to 10
hours
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 the proportion of those who dedicated 10 to 15
hours
Use synonyms
 to
this
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 was half as much. Regarding the
London
Use synonyms
 department, the percentage of
workers
Use synonyms
 exercising for between 5 to 10
hours
Use synonyms
 was approximately 47%, which was
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
approximately 12% higher than the percentage of those who did it for fewer than 5
hours
Use synonyms
. Turning to the level of
abcsenteeism
Correct your spelling
absenteeism
 per 1000
employees
Use synonyms
, in Birmingham, the level of
workers
Use synonyms
 being present at work every day was more than twice the figure of
them
Correct pronoun usage
those
show examples
 in
London
Use synonyms
, 380 and 158, respectively. Notably, the number of those who were absent at work for between 1 to 5 days annually in
Birminghem
Correct your spelling
Birmingham
 was 378,
whereas
Linking Words
 in
London
Use synonyms
 the figure was
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
almost 200
workers
Use synonyms
 more.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "whereas".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words employees, workers, hours, london with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportions" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 2 times.
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