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Writing Samples
Band 6

the chart below shows the results of survey about people coffee and tea buying and drinking habit in five australian cities.

the chart below shows the results of survey about people coffee and tea buying and drinking habit in five australian cities.
The bar chart provides survey information about the
coffee
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 expenditures and drinking
habit
Fix the agreement mistake
habits
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categorized
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categorised
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 into
people
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 who bought fresh
coffee
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,
instant
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coffee
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 and
people
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 who went to a cafe in the following cities
:
Punctuation problem
:
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 Sydney,
Melbourne
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,
Brisban
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Brisbane
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,
Adelaide
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 and Hobart.
Overall
Linking Words
, citizens who
prefered
Correct your spelling
preferred
 to go to a cafe for drinking
coffee
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 or tea showed an upward trend in all
countries
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 except
Adelaide
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,
while
Linking Words
 those who bought fresh
coffee
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 presented a downward trend in all
countries
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.
However
Linking Words
, there was a fluctuation in the rates of
people
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 who bought
instant
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coffee
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. Hobart and
Melbourne
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 recorded the massive
perecentage
Correct your spelling
percentage
 in going to a cafe, reaching more than 60%.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
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people
Use synonyms
 in
Adelaide
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 presented the lowest decrease in visiting cafes
around
Punctuation problem
, around
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 39%.
According to
Linking Words
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instant
Correct article usage
the instant
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coffee
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,
Brisban
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Brisbane
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 and Hobart illustrated similar rates
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
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Adelaide
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 was approximately 50%.
Melbourne
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 was less in buying
instant
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coffee
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 by around 48%
whereas
Linking Words
Sydne
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Sydney
show examples
 reached
the
Correct article usage
a
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less
Correct word choice
lower
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portions
Check wording
rate
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 by almost 44%. Buying fresh
coffee
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 was less common in all
countries
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. In
Sydne
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Sydney
show examples
, around 43% of
people
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 likely bought fresh
coffee
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, follwing them in a similar percentage,
Melbourne
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 recorded 43%.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
Brisban
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Brisbane
show examples
 and
Adelaide
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 respectively presented the same numbers by 35% which showed the lowest figure among other
countries
Use synonyms
.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however, while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words coffee, people, instant, melbourne, adelaide, countries with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "presented" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 3 times.
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